..so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep - XVII, P.N



I am inspired to write, but despite this sudden desperate need to put words to fruition, I still can't seem to sort the mess that is my brain. There are so many things to write, to say, to opine about, and yet, I still feel that I can't seem to say things in any way that would be coherent for anyone. I feel the need to lose myself somewhere different, somewhere faraway from all this hustle and bustle in order to ensure that at the very least, I can sort out what or how it is I'm feeling. I want to walk in places foreign to me and just discover the little dark corners of which I am sure I'd derive some thrill from. Sadly, it's not a luxury extended to me, at least not for now.

Safely and honestly, I can say that 2010 has been filled with a lot of challenges and experiences. For everything that has happened, there are consequences and not all of them have been good. This year seems to be filled with me being distracted. By a thousand and one things. I say distraction because it is assumed that my life right now should be focused on one thing and one thing alone, my studies. Is it not very depressing that we are to work so hard for this examination so that other people can judge how well our brains memorise and regurgitate, rather than judge us for who we are, our personalities and who we are as inhabitants of this earth. You can't fight the system. Right? A morbid fact but we are submitted to being these androids, at least for now. So yes, I have been very much so distracted. I've been falling in love, getting my heart somewhat (I say somewhat cos it wasn't actual heartbreak. just, a little aching abit.) broken and then falling in love (yes, all with the same person) all over again. I've been lying around, taking long bus rides, enjoying rooftop views of the heart of the country, learning about myself, and him. I can say that I have experienced many bittersweet experiences that have reshaped how I tend to see things, and this actually may not be a very good thing. Like how, I tend to be guarded now, and a little disillusioned. And somehow thanks to some things that he managed to implant in my head, I am starting to question every little thing. All, however, in true Jannah fashion since I am incapable of not overthinking and overdoing things. Le Sigh. If left to the mercy of my mind, I think I would be a very very depressed person. Because somehow I always manage to exacerbate my fears and insecurities, and believe in them so much they feel too real.

But I am sure of this, him and me. It can't be bad if it is that everytime I get mad at him, it's usually due to wanting to see each other, because we want each other too much but can't. Which is a good thing. At least I think so. It's not as if I mad about things that truly matter, in the sense. He makes me happy and makes me laugh and he's kind. I don't think anything else maters.

I really hope I can sort my brain out. I really want us to not be a distraction, but instead just an ordinary part of my life, because, honestly, everything has to have balance.

<3

Labels: Life as it happens, Reveries

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