Every aspect of my weekend (including my Monday - which actually doesn't count as the weekend, but whatever) was devoted to the pursuit of happyness, peace and well, I guess just finding me again. What makes me happy, what is important to me, what makes me smile. Everything. Friday, post-BTs was just me, my laptop and my favouritest Korean drama ever - sounds sad and lame to some, but it doesn't matter cos I had a lovely night laughing and enjoying the solitude that is indeed my own. Saturday was me and mar in the day time - Swensen's date and talking about all that mattered to us, including the boys in our lives. Night time was me and Nick, catching up on life thus far, the life of an NSboy-just me and this pseudo-canadian watching "When in Rome" and having fun talking. Sunday didn't start off as joyful as the rest but towards the afternoon it was a long-awaited discussion with some book writers. Towards the evening it was meeting Hearts to visit Luqman at Bally and later heading down to Esplanade for the St Andrew's Village "One Family, One Flag" concert (which was overall, lovely) and some supper then home. Monday's a lovely secret though.

I love that I've got the chance to have this weekend, and to love myself above all else. I love that I remembered the things that make me happy, all the things that I forget once in a while. And I love most that I am able to enjoy the little things in life, and those around me.

<3

Labels: Life as it happens, Reveries

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Honestly, things are not better, per se. Whatever that bothered me in my previous post, still haunts me. However, despite all that, I'd like to believe that there is a way for me to bounce back from it all. And maybe, fingers crossed, I'll find my way out of this black hole and see the light in it all. After all, I did make 2 new resolutions for my life, and I'll try to stick to it (: To say that I know the very essence of despair is an understatement, but to say that I am helpless is a lie. I am not - especially since God has gifted me with an able body and mind. It's just another pothole in the path of life, and we have to overcome it. Though this pothole is fucking kickass. HAHA. Sorry. Okay.

Yes, shit happens.
But I trust in myself that I can pick myself up, and find back what life means to me, go back to the path that I choose to pave. Because it is my life, and no one can dictate how I choose to live my life, though they may try.

I yearn to find my way back to God. I know he may not have forgotten me, but I have been careless and selfish, forgetting that without Him, all is nothing. It is He that my life belongs to, and I owe it all to Him. I've just been distracted. Time for me to find the most essential fiber to my being

Labels: Family, Life as it happens, Reveries

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I cannot even begin to explain.
All I can say is, March is the tumultuous month.
And if anything, I am doing the best I can to hold on to whatever inkling of sanity I have left.
It takes the world for me to not attempt anything irrational.
Or dangerous.
Or harmful.
All I want?
Escape. Solitude. Peace.
It eats at my soul.
But I am trying, I am.
Still.
I cannot even begin to explain.

Labels: Family, Reveries

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I stole this, or reblogged, or if it was twitter then retweet, or tumblr retumble? ahhahahahaha, anyways, I quote this from Nadia's blog, which she quoted from somewhere. I feel it's apt, and in many ways, many many people around me feel the same way about the concept of love, and well I felt my heart reach out to every word said by the character Acheron. Maybe you'll feel the same way too? Sigh. Love, they say is a many splendid thing. But it is precisely this thing called love that has our mind and hearts working in overdrive most days. Together, we'll find a way through this mess ey?

“Kat: How can anyone be afraid of love?


Acheron: How can they not? When you love someone… truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling-like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that?”
— Devil May Cry: From Sherrilyn Kenyon’s Dark - Hunter series

Labels: Reveries

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Without a doubt, I am the most volatile person I know. One second I dread, the next I change my mind. As always, in true Jannah form, I thought about me, him, life, God, everything. I took an almost 2 hour long shower, reflecting on life and everything as I know it. As I sat on the bathroom floor, with the hot shower running, I've decided that what my life needs right now is fresh, new perspective. There was a time in 2009 that I had this bout of uninterrupted happiness, and that is what I need. Yes, this would not be the first time I try to locate that happiness, but I feel it in my bones that this time is different. What I need is change. I need to remove my self from the dark clouds that tend to taint my days, and I need to find happiness that is dependent on no one else but myself. Only when I find true joy and bliss in myself, will I be able to find joy and love in others.

So it has been decided. I'm going to make dates, with no one other than myself. I've set out 2 goals for me to achieve this year. Only two because I know now that in order to not be disappointed, to not feel horrid, I have to be realistic and have realistic expectations in life.

One: I'm going to make my life a healthy one. And I mean healthy in all aspects of my life. The word health is derived from Old English hǣlth, of Germanic origin, related to whole: "wholeness, a being whole, sound or well". I want to be whole and complete. Physically, why not? Mentally, spiritually ~ everything. A healthy relationship with my self, family, friends, and most of all God. That, may take a while to build, or rebuild (if I really think about it), but I am willing to take the plunge. This life is too short for me to waste away, so I really should make the best of it.
Two: I am going to do as well as I possibly can for my academics. The grades I'd like to achieve? Well, I shall not divulge. But there's nothing more important right now, than to do well for my A Levels. I will not want to look back and regret everything. I've got nothing else but A Levels to focus on this year in terms of achievements, so really, there is no excuse. Right now, I know that the possibility of not doing well for BT1 is a real one, but I have no one to blame but myself. This year did not start off well, especially not in my academia, but nonetheless I want to and have to move forward from there. I know the journey will be tough and may not always be a fulfilling one, but I will press on. My future depends on it, anyways.

It is about finding myself, and really understanding what I want from life. It is about knowing that no one can dictate how my life plays out but myself - I will narrate, and not be narrated. "No one shall dictate my happiness" (wise words from a very lovely, wise young woman), and I truly believe in it. Whether I have to venture this journey alone right now, is superfluous. How can I be anything to anyone if I have yet to figure myself out?

It is essential that I build in me a sense of peace and joy, in order for me to simply, be.

Labels: Life as it happens, Reveries

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and the stars fell out of the sky
and my tears rolled into the ocean
now i'm looking for a reason why
you even set my world into motion

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now i'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter
'cause if you're not really here
then i don't want to be either
i wanna be next to you...

i looked up into the grey sky
and see a thousand eyes staring back
and all around these golden beacons
i see nothing but black

i feel a way of something beyond them
i don't see what i can feel
if vision is the only validation
then most of my life isn't real

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now i'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter
'cause if you're not really here
then i don't want to be either
i wanna be next to you
black and gold
black and gold
black and gold

But it's true. Cause if you're not really here, then the stars don't even matter. 2 more days. I can't wait. Everyday I grow impatient, and every hour more excruciating than the last. It's not a big deal, really. I just can't wait. Cos it feels good to have you next to me. Two more days.

Labels: One Last Song

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I haven't said much recently, due to the mere fact that yeah, I haven't had much to say, and well, I've been a busy bee. Sigh. My thoughts are clouded now. Not so much due to stress or anything tangible. Just a little overloaded with different thoughts. Shall we organise this?

Well, my saturday was... one word: Awesome. It truly was. Hahaha, there were ups and downs. I went with Hani and Siti to watch Shinee at the Singapore Entertainment Awards. $25+2.5hours waiting+ramly burgers later, 3 songs, our boys and us. Yes, worth it. Definitely. After which I went to meet Hearts at cityhall and we did this whole wardrobe makeover - which I kinda feel I officially have some sort of talent with clothes - then we grabbed a bite and well hung out, and well.. It was a lovely night. Oh right, for that part, I must say FATE is amazing. Meeting familiar faces and enjoying the night. Couldn't have been better lah.

I'm kind of reminiscing my night, and well, it was great and all. But it gives rise to thoughts about him. I figure it's partially due to the familiarity of the place and the fact that I met his friend. Why am I so caught up? Sheesh. But, the distance really makes the heart grow fonder. Honestly.

I think that, all I've got now, is the mere fact that I've got examinations coming up, and that I really ought to focus my attention elsewhere. But I'm looking forward to when we're back in the same timezones.

Labels: Life as it happens, Reveries

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I met Adel for lunner today. And I told her everything, and I let out my heart's content, insecurities and all. And as if she was the first person to tell me, she told me the one thing that, coming from her, makes me realise that it is so very true - I have to relax, and enjoy life as it comes. For I think too much anyways.

I love her dearly. And now, I'm ready to put my feet up and just be.

Labels: Life as it happens, Reveries

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It's been a long while, a very long while that I've let on how I really am, how I really feel. And it's not just to others, but to myself. Of late, I feel as if I'm numb - numb to everything that passes by me in life. It takes reading someone else's blog to understand what I've been missing out. I wonder to myself ~ how did I get so superficial? How it is that I got so good at lying? A lot of things bother me about life right now. Like how I got myself so weak that my joys and sorrows seem to be dependent on one person. Is it really weak though, to be needed and to need? Or how I have two separate ambitions, distinctly delineated by what seemed to me as reason and logic. How I forgo being just to fit into what seems to be the mould that I ought to want to be. I never was that way. I never liked to be defined, I never liked to fit in (well, maybe sometimes..), I never wanted to fulfill expectations. I always wanted to just take whatever is expected of me, and shove it down the road of nothingness. But now, that is what I am. I am just another stone at the bottom of the ocean. There's nothing wrong with being like the rest - don't get me wrong, I think you're awesome if you can do it. But I just never thought I'd be that. I thought I was special. But turns out, I'm as special as my mother told me I was when I was 6.

Still. I think I'll be lying if I said I don't want to win this rat race. I do not lie that it is indeed exhausting. I guess there's still part of me that expects me to fuck up my life, to be forever in this rut of being never good enough. So yeah, don't blame me if I want to turn round that expectation.

I cannot forget that no matter what, it's all about me. It's not about what she says, or he says, neither is it about the past. I need to remember that there's purpose in life. There is hope. That my life is worth living for there is a purpose to be served by me, and everyone else around me. No matter how my journey is now, there is a goal.

I just need to breathe. As would you.

You're fine. I'm fine. We'll be fine. Define yourself what life really means to you and friend, you will indeed be fine.

I'll be fine. I'm fine. I really am. One day has passed, and I am still here. I won't lie ~ I never thought I'd be in it so bad. That a boy would make me so helpless. But I'll be fine. I will. Cos life is greater than this, and the power of the soul is greater than anything that ever was. Other than God, of course.

"There is no end to the beginning of want." Sigh, she has a point, no?

And off to bed I go. (:

Labels: Life as it happens, Reveries

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And if you ever need my hands
To carry you through heavy times
Or look in to your wondering eyes
To remind you what you are

Skyscraper
You define the skyline
Opposite the grapevine
Where crows and rumors fly

Labels: One Last Song

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My end of February till now, is filled with just one hell of a emotional roller-coaster. Its not even a joke. For one, we finally talked about it. Some part of me wonders why he took so long to talk about it, what might've been, what would've happened if we didn't talk about it. There were tears, lots of it. There was also longing. It was horrible. I couldn't have been more displaced and confused. I partly still am, confused. Am I lying to myself, by ignoring the obvious? Am I just being stupid? He's managed to put me in this place where I can't tell what's real or right anymore. I mean, I know I am still driven by my emotions, and that there's a possibility that I am just hearing what I want to hear. The weekend, was bad. It was fresh and raw, and I just couldn't see what he couldn't see. Is there a need to explain? I like you, period. The thing is, unlike anyone I've ever liked, I cannot just stop talking to this one. I can't bring myself to not smile and laugh, and I can't bring myself to stopping it all. I cannot. Not in a million years. Given these circumstances. It's not something that I can switch off. Amazingly, when we went out on Wednesday, I couldn't feel anymore..at home, at peace. An amazing surge of energy passed through me. I just couldn't have felt better. It was good. The only way I could possibly explain it is that we're happy that the other person is holding the other person's hand. It's hard to explain. I'm happy with how things are - it's imperfect, I do not doubt that. But I do know that it kinda doesn't get any better than this. At the same time, I do feel somewhat unhappy. Unsure. Once again, uncertainty remains. I can't help but think.. where do we go from here? Are we, or aren't we? And as if the Gods needed a good laugh, he has to go away. For what seems to me like forever. Not really, but long enough. I can't even imagine how I'll survive the next 2 weeks. Seriously. Seriously?! Talk about good timing. Sheesh. So yeah, I'm sad now. And still confused. But happy. Cos at least for 5 hours today, I got to see him and his smile.

Labels: Reveries

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Utopia. well my utopia. well actually, not really utopia. Just a fabulous dream. So great i woke up, still feeling it. Like it was real. its Probably just my imagination. but its easier just thinking that it would really happen. oh my goodness. god's been playing with my head. but it feels great.

this is how it went. there is no start nor an ending to this fantasy.

I was at dinner. with my mom and dad beside me. and. a guy, gorgeous in my dreams, but im still unable to make out his face. i am very sure, that i would recognise his face if i ever met him. but now, there is absolutely no way for me to describe him. sense? i think not. it was so real. and it was exactly how i would picture my guy ( if that ever happens) meeting my parents. my parents making sure i'm not sitting beside him. and them grilling him with a 1001 questions that would drive many guys nuts. but he was so cool and calm. so un-killing my hopes of a future with him-kind. and we kinda went home, in my dad's TAXI. (haha. reality bites. even in dreams, there's no lamborghini gallardo) and well what i can remember is that my parents-my mom by actual fact- asked him to write something down. so he was outside my house.(yes still that ole mansion et.) and well he wore his shoes and he stood up. note: he still has to write something down. well he kissed me. a great fabulous kiss. if that is what it really is like, then every chick-lit book has failed to describe the experience..

im like wondering. because this is not the first dream of him. its like my 2nd or third. so what is this. maybe its just my head toiling with my mind and my emotions. its just too good to be true ain't it? but well some of my friends think that maybe god decided to lemme have and insight to my future. to my soulmate.


crapp alot? i'm not too sure. just to beautiful.

i remember that when i woke up, the first thing i did was touch my lips. i just needed reassurance. oh wells.
maybe another time

Labels: Reveries

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