Today was a pretty normal day - on top of the fact that it was ONKAY'S BIRTHDAY! :D Heh. Lol, I got chee to help me, and I like totally set up her present! :D Thanks Kevin and Hayati - really appreciate the help! (: I hope she loves her presents! I had fun putting everything together, lol.






HAPPY BIRTHDAY(: BUCKETLOADS OF BOOZE, LOVE AND SMILES!

School was mediocre I guess. I just felt like crying after Literature - I think it was that stress plus the fact that I really flucked up her paper - it's just really scary you know. I mean I had higher chances of getting an A in Math than for Lit. IF i studied lah. But I don't know, I really need to buck up in that department.

Me and Hearts went to town after - that poor lovely girl. She was so insistent on getting some stuff, but like after she went to some stores she couldn't find them; after all the while it's been there. Haha, we had lunch, and walked around Ion and like I shared with her some stuff about my life and self that I haven't done in a long while. I had a great H2H with her. I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends sometimes, I think I forget. All my friends I know I can depend on, and love so dearly. Birthday girl included - duh (:



Realistically, it's not easy to be happy forever, but I try my best to look at life as the most beautiful experience ever. As someone said - it's the only thing you'll ever experience.

I smiled like crazy in the bus. haha (: back to top?

Oh my, shopped a LOT today. I couldn't help it. Yet again, both Hearts and Joyene was absent from school, and THERE WAS THE HISTORY TEST, so I spent my day in the library studying. HAHA. Right. Well, I was just very happy and carefree, I think Sianpei thought I was nuts. Lol. Anyways, my day ended at 2 so I headed straight on to town. HEH.

Wahpiang, ION is so huge, and well, gives me shopping chills! Its so fabbbbbbbulous - I was extra happy. Like by so much, I was BUZZING inside, I had to call someone just to release some energy! HAHAH :D Lols.

Anyways, I went shopping. Bought 1 PAIR OF SHOES, 2 SUNNIES, 1 CARDY + 1 DRESS :D dang (: Plus other stuff.

OH, and we saw each other (:

I didn't expect it. I thought things would be better, but it isn't. Arh. Why? Its like stuck in the air. Baby, I can talk you down? Or so I thought? Oh gosh, did I do something I regret? back to top?

This is not a sad post or anything.. More of a dedication post? Lol. Here goes..

We used to tell each other everything; skyping everynight. Laughing our asses off the funniest things.. Greek Gods, don't think I forgot! I found it so swell when you found God in your own way, and when you laughed at me when I do the stupidest things. Or how bout the time you slept whilst... hahah (okay, secret). Fish, Koi, Oinkel, Angel - whatever the name, it won't matter, you're still my onkay, my kwoi. I'll never forget how scared I was when you first approached me - I was worried that we wouldn't hit it off; WHAT AN IRRATIONAL FEAR AH? And all the hot guys we used to drool over. Or the problems you shared and I shared that brought us closer as friends. You're my first closest friend in SA, the fish I could always rely on. Always honest with me, always truthful. All the times we spent fangirling - Jap shows, Korean shows, Taiwanese shows, you name it, we've watched it. The sleepover I had, and you waking up with me in the wee hours of the morning just so that you can accompany me eat cos I had to fast the next day. The emo thursdays, the random tears. The TBLTH jokes, the EVERYTHING. Coming to my choir concerts, me going to your bowling games. And the camwhoring sessions at my house, or at school with my macbook. The drama, the laughter, the tears. Oh onkay, I miss you so much. Sometimes I wish I didn't retain, cos the only consequence that I cry over about retaining is how far apart we are now. You were there when I went through my toughest time last year, and you cried for me, with me. I couldn't ask for anyone else, but you. I'll never forget you(:

But I know time's changed and I just wanna say that I'm happy you've found new friends. I'm happy that you've got this rock-solid support system. I'm happy for you. I want you to know this. I don't know if it matters to you, but these are things I just can't say to your face without crying. I want you to know that YOU can do this, really. It seems so hard, I can tell - from the stressed out face you have, from the tired looks, from the tears you shed when you think no one's looking. Oh dearie dear, I wish I could be there for you, and feel how you feel. But know this, even when there seems to be no kanaino cheong chio bu LIGHT appearing at the end of the tunnel, you'll make it through. You're you, dear, and YOU should know that all the hard work you put in WILL pay off. Promise. If not, we can go jump off the flyer together okay? Lolsers. For all those times I forgot to ask you how YOU were, I'm sorry. For all those days I forgot that you were having a hard day. If I put any unnecessary stress on you, I'm sorry. I never meant to make you hurt, so if I did, I'm sorry. If I forgot about you, when I had the time to hang out with you but didn't, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you don't feel good enough or smart enough, or just enough. But know this, it will get better, cos you are more than enough - more than anything a friend could ask for. I'm sorry if I wasn't a good friend.My biggest regret in retaining, was losing you.

You're 18 at midnight, and I thought you should know that there's at least one person out here that loves you unconditionally, and will always be there for you, just in case you forgot. There ain't nothing that can replace what we had and have as friends. I hope we'll still be friends, forever. Bucketloads of love, janjan. back to top?

You know, I'm all happy, but I ain't no hippie. I'm totally loving my ipod. HAHA, I forgot how much I loved my indie rock and brit rock. Lol, SO WHAT if they're not LALALA happy songs, but they make me wanna rock out and dance out in my room brother's room. You have no idea how much I love my Arctic monkeys. :D



I've reached this weird place of eternal happiness, no one can take it away from me. I don't know why the fluck I'm so happy, really, and not to mention the fact that it's so new to me. I think we teens always venture into anger, emo-isms, but like we never venture happiness. From teen to teen, it's a pweetty place(: back to top?

I'm chick-ifying my brother's room I think. HAHA. No really, the neighbours must be wondering what happen to all that psytrance and house music that used to blast out of the speakers of his room. I've got like opera music playing out of his speakers. HAHA. Yes I listen to opera. But then again I listen to EVERYTHING. Anyways, point is, I'm lovin' the one week residency in his room! He went to Jakarta on monday, and well will be back by this week. After that mummy's going to Turkey for...20 days? yayzers! Eitherway, I think August is going to be such a FUN month. PLUS the fact that I'm so happy nowadays. God knows why, but I'm so cheerful (inside+out) and I get so many cheap thrills. Happy music makes happy people (:

Today was one interesting Wednesday. OHMYGOSH, I just realised this WHOLE time, I thought it was Tuesday! HAHAHAH oh gosh I typed Tuesday. Lol. Anyways, interesting WEDNESDAY! Lol, Jo's day ended really early, right after PE to be exact! She still had to clear her NAPFA, so well, during her last two laps, Mr Soh asked me to pace her, and I ran with her, pushing her. I felt a bit bad - I mean I was pushing her, without knowing she was in pain, if she had told me I'd have forced her to stop. Dang): Eitherway, she was in so much pain she couldn't walk properly - poor dear Jo >.< We sat at the Caf, and well, Mdm Z came and called the ambulance! So off Jojo went! I hope she's fine. She wasn't depressed or anything, we still laughed a HELL lot sitting at the caf and made buckets of jokes and there were plenty of Flucks flying in the air. BUT the icing on the darn cake was the fact that the whole world PANIC(ked) AT THE DISCO when all the paramedics came and they literally STOPPED where they were to kpo. Lol, typical Singaporean - but I'd have done the SAME thing if I was them too! I photographed the ordeal for Jo cos I just thought it was an EPIC memory to have, and if you know me well enough, you'd know I'm a believer of "capturing every moment in photographs". Lol.

Aite so here goes..






Hurr. I missed Hearts at school today >.< BOO. I mean yeah, I was lonely, but my lovely friends being in pain trumps all that! I hope they get better soon and come back to school so we can sing Banana Pancakes together! :D

Teri said this to me in school today, "You're always so cheery - I don't think I've ever seen you emo....How do you keep it up? Don't you get sad or emo about the things you don't have? How do you curb it??" - not all at once of course. I told her that how I forget about all the things I don't have or can be sad about is by remembering all the wonderful things that I can be happy and thankful for. God blessed me with so much - so much heart, a sense of humor, passion, family, friends, love. Sometimes we forget about all these things; dang I forget about them all the time, but then I think about it all, I have more reason to be grateful and happy than a child in Somalia - you and me both (: back to top?

Okay, Madame Procrastinate is regretting, truly, that she boarded that ship late. Like shitlessly late. Especially since she SUCKS at the topics market structure. ARGH. Always and forever, never gonna learn from your mistakes jaye! tsktsk.



i love the effort to be the last one to text. i'm probably reading too much into it, but it feels nice, nonetheless. back to top?

“Soft is the music that would charm for ever;

The flower of sweetest smell is shy and lowly.”

-William Wordsworth

Funny how the flower from deviantart is titled "My one and only". Never thought I'd have faith in it again (:

I haven't really gotten over you - just in case you're wondering. it's just that i prepped myself for this for months and just decided maybe i should close the door now. i'm happy to be distracted, to have someone else to smile over. back to top?

I can't help it. I love this song. I don't know why but it's just so, touch-my-heart and creates this longing feeling in me (:

You're having a bad day darling, I only wished I knew earlier, y'know. I can't believe I was so self-absorbed, I didn't realise you were hurting inside. Dearest dearest dearest. I wish I could take away all the pain you're feeling inside and put it into a bottle and throw it into the ocean so it can float away into the seven seas, so you'll never have to shed a tear again. I know, you're definitely undeserving of the hurt and everything, but I promise you, dearest, that it will all fade away - sooner or later, you'll see the sun shining through. Cheesy, but true (: back to top?

I had the loveliest Tuesday anyone could possibly have and honest to God instead of blogging about it, I really ought to study for my econs lecture test which is TOMORROW! HAH! er no thank you, Madame Procrastinate shall embark on the ship of Oligopoly+Externalities in a bit. For now, back to my Tuesday!

Today was the YMCA PESA comp preliminaries, and well after all that PANIC AT THE DISCO, I made it through to the Semi-Finals. Which is a blessing, I hope. Eitherway I didn't aim to win this comp, be it in my school PESA or the real deal, but I just wanted to experience something I've never done before. So I'm pretty pleased, and well, I'm enjoying the experience so far. Ms Sab and I was delighted, and I spent a great deal of time chitchatting to Ms Sab about JC life, which I must say puts the icing on the cake of my experience. I'm not regretting this, for sure (:

Anyways, after PESA was fun fun fun! I called SOFY and asked her if we could have dinner and she was with Winn so IT WAS ALL GOOD. We talked about a MYRIAD of things - grunting, KARI, the epic fall of the coke onto garlic chilli, BOYS boys BOYS and well, had a good time laughing our ass off with our MATness! FLUCK Its way cool. I'm glad I met Jaswin - I mean i think that though we may not know each other very well, I think we have great... chemistry as friends! HAHAH not to mention kindred spiritness. :D I couldn't find a better kindred spirit that I'd rather be friends with than Winn :D HAHAH, yes sofy I love you too :D

Hmmm, I've decided - brooding on negative thoughts and well manifesting negative energy through hate, gossip, anger etc is NO way to live life. Life's really too short, and we should embrace everything we've got like Winnie the Pooh and all that HONEY he's got. HAHAH I did not just compare life to Honey did I? HAHAH, eitherway, you get what I mean. I don't wanna stress myself out on stuff that takes up too much of my energy and time, and only end up producing more tears - family life, whatever. I wanna stress about stupid things like attempting to memorize my speech for PESA or other things like my academics, whereby though its important, its not a life and death thing and DEFINITELY harbors more positive stress.

Good day y'all.

p/s: I'd kill all the negative energy if I were you (: back to top?

I'm still worried for tomorrow. BAAAAAAH. You know the chicken that walks around without its head - I feel the same way. Hee. Okay, part of me can't wait to continue with life, ergo go to school, laugh with friends, moan during lessons, sleep during lectures, YET part of me can't bring myself to go through that mundane process, YET AGAIN. Oh I need to process photos - action sampler + holga ones. Perhaps i should go and find a shop who's processed them before - the last place i did it CUT the action sampler pics at the wrong place - zomg. Oh wells.

Hmm, I really ought to keep up with my studies. I think I did relatively ohkay for my CTs. Hmm ACED - I didn't take econs papers due to me being sick in the H1N1 period, topped off with the fact that I was sick during the paper + the retest *gaspeth* So my results total up to 44 points, without economics. I wished I took econs. If statistically, I'd do as well as I've been the whole year round, then I'd do pretty well for myself! Boo to germs and diseases.

Ohk I really ought to get some sleep! Pesa 2009 tomorrow. Hope there's still a blazer available!

Off to bed with Madame SupreStress (: back to top?

When you put things into perspective, either I move on fast.. or just that I am bloody resilient. I think it's the latter. HAHA. Anyways, not the point. Point is, I'm happy, as of this hour and this moment and this lifetime, but then I may not be for the next few hours, cos life's just unpredictable like that. I feel like the girl in picture (kop-ed from deviantart btw) - in that moment in time everything seems so joyful and serene, but once you land, you're back in reality. But we won't bother about that for now - right now, I'm just a girl with the innocence of a 4 year old, appreciating the night sky and wishing there were more stars.

I'm excited for Baybeats 2009. I haven't done anything remotely cool in the past years (hahah, yes i just declared i'm not cool. bite me. hahaha) and well, Lady Gaga and Baybeats will be the best time to do that. Thank God baybeats is free of you'll see me begging the side of the roads in desperation for cash. Heh. But besides the point. I'm ready to immerse myself in good music, sweating my heart out and having my eyeliner smeared - who gives a rat's ass, its all about having the time of your life. (:

Tomorrow's my PESA 2009 competition. Gosh, I'm worried. I mean, I went looking up previous PESAs and how other people speak and I think that I just can't compare to the competition. The only thing that sets me out is that I'm not overly dramatic on stage. Good thing? Bad thing? God knows. With rock music in my head, what I'd like to do is go on stage in the SAJC blazer and stuff and just get a guitar and scream, and hammer the $800 guitar on the floor, pull a Freddie Mercury and do a dive into the audience. HAHA, I think I've been watching too many Warped Tour videos. But yeah, the rocker in me would like to let loose at the what may be prissy competition. Aiye. Everyone's telling me I'll be fine, but if you know me well enough, this paranoia and fear is so innate that I honestly can't help myself. Its just like my dying need to sing in the toilet - can't help it. HEH.

Oh which reminds me, I was doing a Katy Perry cum Beatles concert in the shower just now. The audience went willlllllllllllld! You could see my Herbal Essences shampoo jumping and see a moshpit of toothbrushes! Okay, maybe not but a girl can dream. Hahaha, but what I do know is that I had a lot of fun singing. I haven't sung in a while and it just felt so good. Oh and at the Choir Barby (as what Lee calls it) with the 2007 batch seniors, we sang our old songs. It almost made me cry. I don't know why I left choir - other than the obvious reasons: I'M JUST LAMENTING - because maybe not 100% of the time, but most of the time I had a lot of fun (and stress) with choir, singing songs I never thought I'd ever sing and just working together with a bunch of people who loves what I love doing too - Singing.

Music makes you lose control

The other day Freeq and Hearts went through my song's list and decided that I have good song taste (at least that's what I thought they meant. HAHA) and we spent some time listening to a bunch of lovely songs - Meiko, Eric Hutchinson, Jack Johnson, Katy Perry, Duffy, Julian Perretta, the list goes on and on. Its ironic, cos I can't remember lyrics if it cost me my life, but I'm a lyrics person, somehow the words of these singers are able to touch my soul in many ways I never thought they could (:

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard,
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart,
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things,
Like a shoebox of photographs,
With sepiatone loving,
Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart ,
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy,
And sometimes life can be deceiving,
I'll tell you one thing, its always better when we're together back to top?

What happened to me? I promised myself in 2007 that I would NOT ever have this problem ever again, but there I go and lose myself. What's more, I really lost myself. Me. What happened to that lame-ass bitch that used to write nice deep posts that the most random of people used to enjoy? Why?

Just a bunch of questions I enjoyed wrapping myself in the past..3 hours? But I guess, I'm kind of over it. At least I've decided to stop thinking about it. Its unhealthy. I stop hanging around people who only exude negative energy only to fall for one that manifests my own energy. An ocean and a rock. But if I die tomorrow, I'd would have liked to tell him this:

I don't know why, I really don't, I fell for you. I swear, it was a force of nature - my rational side would have killed myself if it met me now. You're so wrong, but so right. It's pathetic, I know. You swept me off my feet a really long time ago, I've been hooked ever since. I like how you make me laugh. How you say the weirdest, randomest things. I like how you smile when you laugh, and how your eyes laugh with you. I love how you're clueless and dense and vulnerable at the same time. I love how you use your hands to run through your hair and this face you do when you do it. I love how you're actually nice, underneath it all. I love how comfortable you are with me, how we can talk about everything and anything. I love how I feel when I think about you - be it when I'm talking to you, or in the train, or during the dullest of lectures sometimes - how I giggle and smile, just thinking about you. A fire running through my soul. I really think, I might've loved you.




Sometimes I think people might think I'm boy crazy - y'know, girls' school, etc. Well, I was talking to Zaris about it, and we've decided that I don't have an actual type. My type is: boy. Haha. Oh well. I'm not, really boy crazy that is. I might look it, exude it, or whatever it, but I'm not it. Sure, I may think more than ONE guy hot at any given time, but I'm a one-man-woman. And when I fall, I fall hard. That one person will consume my mind, heart and soul. I think it's cos of my imagination. I truly have a vivid imagination (and memory) and I somehow think too much. The one flaw I was born with was the depth of thought. That one thing has therefore shot through creating a 1001 different problems for myself. And you look at everything and ask yourself, WHAT HAPPENED? But that's just it - Life happened. No matter how you stop it, no matter what you do, LIFE happens. Heartaches, heartbreaks, tears, joy, laughter, love - its all in life. It's in God's greatest plan for us all, no? Why would I bother, trying so hard to make something that isn't SOMETHING?

Every girl I know goes through this stage in life. (not every boy i know goes through this, fyi) And I just wanna say, hold on, stay strong, prioritize.

Love hurts, aye? But that's what makes it so beautiful. If it was just so perfect it wouldn't be real. Besides, all these heartaches we feel now, would allow us to recognize TRUE love - cos though love isn't perfect, surely it won't hurt you as much as I hurt now.

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." -Mac MacGuff, Juno

One day, I'll tell this all to your face. But now, I think, it's time I stop kidding myself, and move on, and find that person who thinks the sun shines out my ass. back to top?

You have no idea.

I have no idea why.

But this just the way things are.

I just wanna cry.


Oh boy. Let the cycle begin. back to top?

Oh boy oh boy. It's truly been awhile since I've sat down to reflect upon the things going on in my life, or even just about life altogether. I guess it's about time, no? back to top?

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CORMAC MCLAGGEN IS GORGEOUS.

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