"Sometimes the pain and disappointment you carry in your heart is due to the death of fairy tales and myths, dreams that were never yours in the first place. One of the most intense sufferings in life is pursuing a life or chasing dreams that just don't belong to you. You may want them, but that doesn't mean you can have them. Look closely at the choices you consistently make in your life: What are they and where do they consistently lead you? You may already have the life you've been looking for, but have yet to realize it. All it may need is for you to add some recognition that you are right where you are supposed to be—and jump in with all your heart." ~ Caroline Myss

I've quoted her before, but never before have I ever felt it so true, and so strongly. Sigh. These days, I wonder how things have gotten the way they are, I wonder what it is that I'm fighting for. Why I try, or why I bother. I know it's not apocalyptic - I do not doubt that one bit, and don't look into my words, it isn't as bad as it sounds. Well at least I don't think so. Anyways, I trudge each day slowly, and slowly, I reflect about us. And as i think and think and think some more, and listen to Hearts and her stories, I figure I just haven't seen what has been blatantly placed right infront of me. That we each want different things, that I chose to like you. That I am also responsible for the ripples in the water, that I knew very well from the start what type of person you are, but still chose to face it head on. That I cannot will things to go my way, that the likelihood of anything going my way still remains improbable. That I can't help the way I feel, and I can't help the way you feel either. That I'm just knocking on the wrong door.

And it's okay.
It's okay and perfectly alright if we do, end up knocking on the wrong door.

Just breathe, take a step back, turn and walk away.

That what you have to do.

Move

on.

Sure, we indulge in ourselves in that moment of embarrassment, that moment of grave pain or suffering, but thereafter we pick ourselves up, and move forward. Move on. It is after all, experiences like these that help you grow as a person. The memories of feeling and loving someone so deeply that their joys become your joy and their anguish becomes your pain, the smiles and the laughters - they are memories worth having, and when I am old and look back to the peak of my youth, I'll remember these things and (hopefully) smile.

This is how I choose to stand by this.. thing that we have. Let's return to status quo, shall we? I've done it before with other people I've liked, so I'm very sure I can do it again. I shook the water the first time, you shook it the second, and now it's my turn to return it to calm. It's how I choose to handle this for now, without your consent. You said that now's not the time, and well, I see it now. The ache I feel nowadays have become too much for me to bear, so excuse me whilst I save myself.

It was fun whilst it lasted, but I'm sure it can be better once all the frills have been removed. It was a lot better when my heart skips when we chat in the wee hours of the morning, rather than now. Let's turn back time.

<3

Labels: Reveries

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