And I love you baby, river deep, mountain high.

I really do.
So many songs remind me of us, him, me. And little things, smells, memories, places. It's been quite a journey.

I wonder if he'll read this. Haha.
It's kinda funny, if you saw us, you'd be amazed. Different, yet so innately similar. It's kinda, amusing, kind of uncanny, kind of wonderful.

Anyways, I'm in the midst of my A levels, and I can honestly say that I really am finding it very hard to focus on my last 2 papers. Well, 2 subjects, 4 sittings.

But you gotta do, what you gotta do.

Revamped my blog a bit, just played around with some html and codings to like get it looking just the way I want it to. Blogging reminds me of Mark Zuckerberg, blogging about that girl. If you haven't, hope you get a chance to catch The Social Network. It's kinda amazing, how an idea snowballs, into a force to be reckoned with. Kinda makes you inspired to think of the next big thing, to go conquer the world.

Anywho, I have so many post A level plans to put together, I can't wait for the 26th(:


love.

you know who you are: stop reading my archives!!! hehe.

Labels: Life as it happens, Reveries, School

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"...Henry appears, doing up his cuff links. He's wet, dirty, and unshaven. He looks about forty. But he's here, and he gives me a triumphant smile as he walks through the doors of the church and down the aisle."~Clare

"That's what I love you for: your inability to perceive my hideous flaws."~Henry

"I realize that I have forgotten my present Henry in my joy at seeing my once and future Henry, and I'm ashamed. I feel an almost maternal longing to go solace the strange boy who is becoming the man before me."~Clare

"This is why I love to be drawn by Clare: when she looks at me with that kind of attention, I feel that I am everything to her."~Henry

"I never wanted to have anything in my life that I couldn't stand losing. But it's too late for that. It's not because you're beautiful and smart. I don't feel alone anymore. Will you marry me?"(Henry) "No. I didn't mean that. I just wanted to try it, to say it, to assert my own sense of free will, but my free will wants you"(Clare)

"I wouldn't change one second of our life together."~Clare



I have finally completed my prelims. Honestly,I am kinda unsure as to how I would fare. It was highly challenging and well I wouldn't say that I was the most prepared person either. Sigh. I'm pretty glad it's over. When you know you could've done better, if you hadn't procrastinated et cetera, sitting through your exam is like going through immense torture. It's like it taunts you with the fact that you could do the paper, just not as well as you can. As mr peh said, "can means can, cannot means cannot". To think the next batch.. is the real deal. A Levels.

Obviously examinations are far from the reason why I opened this browser in the first place.

Today was challenging. Everything about it.
It made me question who I really am as a human being. Made me wonder what sort of person I am.
So many things that we talked about, left me scared, worried, and down right sad.
And lost yes, very lost.
I think it has much to do with me overthinking, but I keep wondering if.. If.. oh what if.
I am lost.

I just wanna be a kid again, where the world was simple, technicolor. Sit on the swing and look up into the sky, feeling like you're flying and that nothing else matters. Feeling awe and wonder for the world around you.

Yes. I need that swing.

Labels: Life as it happens, Reveries, School

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allmypicscomefromthisamazingtumblr

I've been reading some tweets, and blogs, and there seems to be a dark grey cloud enveloping the lives of many of the people I love dearly. And in a way, it's kinda infectious. But I really don't want to be consumed by this cloud of grey, dark and twisty. Neither do I want others to be consumed by it either. Currently life does feel like a bit of a struggle, eh? And to make it worse, it seems like there are expectations to meet, results to produce, and everything just seem utterly impossible ): But please, don't lose hope, don't lose faith. Don't be consumed by this vortex. It's not worth it. Life is so so much more than this thing called A Levels, though it's really hard to see beyond it now, I know. I think it's important to know that this struggle you're facing, you're not facing alone. Thousands more are facing it with you, and if you realise, thousand before us have made it through.

Everything will be fine.

Breathe.

Yes, I hate A levels. It seems to be taking things away from me.

But then, I remember that come November 26, this will all be apart of the past.

<3

Labels: Reveries, School

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Don't you remember that show? The Magic SchoolBus! IT WAS SO FUN! And honestly, if school was anything like that at all, I'd definitely have full attendance, and with actual excitement to be in school! Eitherway. Today at school I accidentally gave myself a 5 HOUR BREAK! WHATHESHITRIGHT?! Hahahahahhahaha. Cos I start school with a 2.5hr break and then I missed my lesson and then the lesson after that was a break cos it was cancelled... HAHAHHAHAHA righteous! School was so-so. Just another reminder of how close Prelims are and how f**ked I might be and well, that it'll all be over in the blink of an eye!

Oh and I managed to spend a total of about $100 IN SCHOOL TODAY WAHLAO! :c Thanks to notes, classfund, downpayment for Prom (which i'm kinda not sure if i'm going...-_-) and miscellaneous shizz. Aiyaiyaiii.

I've been meaning to share how august has been. I would say the most delightful and exciting thing so far was Singfest 2010!!!!! Yes, thanks to mama Joyene, I had the opportunity to see some awesome acts live, and my faaaaavouritest person, KATY PERRY!!!! Hahahah I remember that I've said that I'd totaaaally go gay for her. And I still hold true to that statement! Heehehe


(me and joyene! :D)


(SINGFEST!!!)


(MIZZ KITTY PURRY IN THE FLESSSSSH!!! *SWOOOOONS*)


:) I'm still pretty frazzled at how I'm ever gonna make it through my prelims with above mediocre results! Sigh. Okay off I go to be productive!!!!! <3

Labels: Life as it happens, School

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Did I mention my love for the movie An Education? (The link leads up to the movie, watch it if you haven't and you have the time) Amazing movie that really awoken many of my senses. Sigh.





And one of my favourite scenes..


Jenny: Studying is hard and boring. Teaching is hard and boring. So, what you’re telling me is to be bored, and then bored, and finally bored again, but this time for the rest of my life? This whole stupid country is bored! There’s no life in it, or color, or fun! It’s probably just as well the Russians are going to drop a nuclear bomb on us any day now. So my choice is to do something hard and boring, or to marry my… Jew, and go to Paris and Rome and listen to jazz, and read, and eat good food in nice restaurants, and have fun! It’s not enough to educate us anymore Ms. Walters. You’ve got to tell us why you’re doing it.

Labels: Life as it happens, School

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Fuck.

there isn't any time. really.
and everything's everywhere.

I have at most 41 hours left before I have to show my face back at school and yes to be honest, I know where I stand right now would most likely leave me at the bottom of my class and yes I know I deserve it..

but still, I'm scared.

Fml, that's all I've gotta say.

Fuck my life.

Labels: Life as it happens, Reveries, School

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A very topsy-turvy day, indeed.

Sigh.

Suddenly, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.

Can I just live in yesterday?

Labels: Life as it happens, Reveries, School

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It's new year's eve reunion dinner tonight. Embracing my Chinese roots. I have no idea what's for dinner. I'm hoping that the Peranakan dish Ayam Buah Keluak will make its appearance. Yum. My duties for this year? Cook rice. HAHAHA. It's kind of effortless for us, since my dad's not big on the cultural obligations et cetera. But yeah, still. I'm looking forward to some chilling, good food, mahjong, tv. The usual. It so doesn't feel like a Saturday today.

Yesterday was the Chinese New Year concert the MCS has been so busy prepping for. It did occur to me that it's officially the last CNY celebrations I'll have with a school, like this, let alone perform on stage. SO yeah, feeling just a tad sentimental. To say this felt wayyyy better than last year's, would be a lie, cos last year felt like family. But to say this year's was horrid is a lie too, cos it was totally awesome. I had a great time with all. And I'm glad they put in the effort due. And well, I'm really really glad it's over. For the sake of my sanity, I'm glad I don't have to face certain..issues anymore, lest I go nuts. Whateverlah. I'm just glad that people enjoyed our performance very much! :D

I LOST MY WALLET

EGAD. I'm really bothered by it. I'm hoping that someone accidentally packed it into their bags, in the frenzy that is the CNY performance. OR like someone found it and sent it to the GO. I mean, if someone stole it et cetera then it's awfully unfair. Like I only just found a phone and returned it to its rightful owner. Now.. come on. ): I really hope I get it. Cos it's really beginning to annoy me and well. I can't do anything without my wallet. Plus the fact that there's so many sentimental things inside my wallet. Sobs.

Oh well.



did i mention i <3 her??

-jans

Labels: Family, Reveries, School

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"You gave my life direction, a game show love connection"

I had a sudden mood swing today. I'm really really really really really sorry if you had to bear the brunt of it. Really. Shouldn't lose track of my feelings too much, or let others suffer. Anger Management. But ironically, I wasn't too sure of WHY my mood suddenly changed. I think it was a cumulative of stresses I've faced today! Buttttt still, not an excuse. Sorry.

Anyways, I sat for my History test. No cheating involved, no anything. Everything was just as it should be. As always, as is every bloody essay, I faced a lack of time to finish my essay. Wasn't able to explain people power explanation. Kainonacheongchiobu.

I'm trying to find that constant that once was in my life, especially in my academics. Really have to. Like for MSA, I really did badly. Relative to my academic progress of last year, and well, seeing some of my results. I'm really hoping people don't get misled. But for myself, it really was a disappointment. Not because I simply screwed up, but above all else, I could have definitely prevented some of my results from falling. I don't know what's wrong with me. As if I lost my touch.

Rubbish. I'm just awfully distracted. HAVE TO GET BACK.

Anyways, it's that time of the year again. I'll try to fill my posts with as mannnnnnny lovely photos before the day itself. I love the idea of love in the air, though of course I am not oblivious to the fact that I'm lacking in that area (hahah). Still. I cannot forget that when love feels good, it feels really really good.

love,
jans.

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Honestly, last I checked, that was a prominent part of the life of a Saint - the Pattaya rice. I don't really fancy it, but I know soooo many people do, to the extent of witholding their hunger just so that they can get the Makcik's Pattaya rice, which she usually only makes in the afternoons. People look forward to it. And well somehow, such a litte plate of fried rice wrapped in egg omelet with Makcik's very own designs (Somedays it's a person with curly hair, other days its flowers..and so on) where each design is made with all her TLC will become a lovely memory of my life at SAJC.

I guess what I'm getting at is that, well.. I have to appreciate the little things, cos it's in the little things in life where miracles happen, and with it the fruition of joy. There's a lot I have to be thankful for, like for example, the fact that I'm still in JC, which usually brings about bitter thoughts to my mind, also has its perks. I have the luxury of having fun, doing stupid things, still depending on my friends, laughing out loud and chucking "etiquette" to one corner. I have the luxury of holidays, and well sometimes, though I really wish I didn't, I have the luxury of making mistakes and being forgiven for it. Seeing my friend's today reminds me of the realities of life, where soon, I'll have to face co-workers and employers who obviously leave no room for error, hours dedicated to something that I may or may not be passionate about, the realities of the ADULT fare busrides, etc. All the harsh realities of the world will also fall on me, and knowing my idealistic self, it'll probably eat on my life force. So yeah, right now, I have a lot to be grateful for. The bloody grass is always greener on the other side. For now, I really have a lot to smile for.

I met my secondary school friends today. It was a short dinner.. yet the familiarity warms my heart. Not everyone was there, but it still felt very good. Like seeing people I once spent my days laughing around with. All that blue and grey.

Heyyy, hey people~ WOOO HAAAH
I wanna knoww-ooohhh-oooohhh
If you love our class!

I wish I had more time to catch up, to really talk, to listen. But hey time cannot be bought, so maybe another time and place. (:

Oh, and Wengs told Hearts something which she told me, which I find sums up what ought to be my motivation to study and so on (which I really ought to, I'm so behind everything!): Remember your failures

Think about it.

Love, Jans.

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Did you know, my Backspace button doesn't work? Farking annoying, I swear. 0.o Its really a hassle to delete things or errors. AAAH, AND I THINK i can't help myself but make more errors in this situation. HAHA. Classik jaye.

Anyways, yes, I willed my Sunday away. It wasn't long till I realised I had homework! SIIIIGH! Hahaha, yes in true Jannah fashion. Last minute society. I swear. Saturday was lovely, sunday was lazy. I think its a pattern. But I don't care. Its kinda fun! :D Slowly, I think I'm finding some sort of peace with myself. Hah. Some sort. But better than no sort eh? Tuesday's e-learning, which really means FREEDOM! hahah, away from the clutches of the school.

I love that photo. If you're an avid reader, you'll know I love roaming through the photography pages of deviantart. <3 it. And well, I love this photo so very much. Not just the colours, etc, but its just the whole idea. I really really love carousels. It reminds me of the days where life was so much simpler, and at the same time, it is just so magical eh? For like 3 to 5 minutes of your life, your life just spins and all you see is colours, the person next to you, and nothing else is real. Everything just...disappears. The last time I rode a carousel was when I was...14? I think. But yeah, whatever. There's a lovely carousel at the ZOO, which I really really wanna go on, someday. Perhaps with someone special? Or just those I really love.

Another day of school tomorrow. Aiyer. Goodluck shimmy-ing my way through tomorrow!

Labels: Life as it happens, School

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This is me, saying thank buddha for Friday. In like... 4 hours. And then it'll be a whole rush of ONE whole day of shit, then its home, sleep and the weekend starts. Thank god. I can't wait. I've had enough of feeling like crap. I need to recuperate during the weekend.

Labels: Life as it happens, School

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Yummy. I had island creamery today. Shoot me, but its my FIRST time there. Yummy. I had a mini baked alaska and a scoop of HORRRRLICKS. Which is to me the best flavor of icecream there. SO syiok.


You know the feeling of joy, and relief someone feels? Well, I'm feeling EXACTLY that, when it comes to school. Like totally. I mean, all my H2s are done with, can you believe, and its ONLY tuesday.

I'm gonna sleep early <3

"WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU, makes you stronger".

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You're much much harder to forget than I thought. Heaven forbid.

Sigh.

Anyways, the first week of school's been going great. Really. I mean, yes, stressful, somewhat, but it's great to meet my friends though. It's kinda the whole reason I was excited to be back in school again anyways. So yeah.

Sent Julien off on thursday - what a sappy affair, and well I'm glad I did send her off (:

Anything else? Well not much. I actually haven't the heart to continue blogging; thoughts about him flood my mind, and well, it's just something I have to do. For me.

So I leave you with the awesome David Gray. Cos I feel this song, I feel it and love it with every fibre of my being, this current January.

Labels: Life as it happens, School

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I see a future.

For once I see a future. My future.

Today was the first day of school. First day of drama, of hope, of friends, of AWESOMENESS! Really. I know, part of me was scared of the future to be - I mean there's so much that I have to do, and time is just constantly moving. Yet I have high hopes; I have hopes that this year, though hard and possibly unbearable, will be a good year. I have hopes that I'll enjoy what I learn, and love what I do, and hopefully, come out on top. I'm really so very happy of my first day. It truly is great - I guess it's that buzzing energy that fills me from within. The, "i have the world at my fingertips" feeling.

You may say that I'm just setting myself out for disappointment; that tomorrow will be different, and then what? But I'm ready for it. I'm empowered. I'm ready to have a good time, and well, counting my lucky stars. For there are so many. From the fact that I'm not in a war-torn country, the fact that I'm not oppressed, the fact that I'm able to receive an education. So many things.

I am happy, I am blessed. I am grateful. There will come a day when I feel like crap, but for now, my soul's in a right place.

As for the matters of the heart..

I know, I said this months before. I've told myself a 1000 times. But this time, I think I really have to. It's really a great feeling when thoughts of him come into my head. It's a great feeling when I feel so special, like he's shared a part of himself with me, that he's not shared with any other. But I can't go on thinking about him any longer ~ I have a future, and for now, he's most likely not in it; I just have to learn to accept it. It's going to be hard. Real hard. Really, really hard. But I can do it. The first step to obliterate him from my heart, mind and soul is to not put myself in the vulnerable position I usually do. I honestly feel so happy that I felt the way I did for him, that I was able to feel so strongly for someone, the way I did. But it's enough. It's time I get real. So the first step, is to stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

there was an opening, but the door's shut now.

And I'm ready, to continue this buzzing happiness I feel.

Labels: Reveries, School

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I know, I didn't do the..."oh 2009 was like....." or the "MY RESOLUTIONS FOR 2010 IS....". But well I was busy, doing things with my family, my last days of work, and well kinda having a life outside of this online realm ~ too busy to post regularly.

But I guess I'm ready for it. TWENTY-TEN. A few years ago, I had not planned to still be in school. I planned to work, and well go to South Africa. Bagpacking. RRRRright. Didn't happen. WELL, I'll look forward to 2011 with the girls! (:

What do I expect?

I expect that my engine's gonna stall a bit, and it's gonna take a while to start-up. To fall into that static life of studying, work, school, routine. I figure it's gonna be an uphill struggle for these first few weeks, and maybe even for a month or so. I also expect that I'm gonna hit many potholes, where I feel like curling up on my bed rather than doing my essay (LIKE I FEEL NOW! *sobs*), or going out and having fun. BUT, I'll remember all my dreams and goals, and constantly remind myself what my priorities should be.

prioritize.

EVERYTHING will fall into place, when I do what's right, at whatever time it requires to be done. Prioritize.

Then, I can still have a whopping 2010, have fun and hopefully do very very well too, right? I sure do hope so (:

I really hope the new semester will go as awesomely as possible. Honest.

GOD'S SPEED, GENTLEMEN.

P/S: I leave you with the fabulous scene from the awesome movie, The Usual Suspects

>

Adieu.

Labels: Reveries, School

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Hello world. I haven't been able to blog much. BEEN A BUZZZY BUMBLE BEEE. For reals. I do not know if ANYONE realizes this - like seriously take time to think about it - but freaking DECEMBER'S in...about...3.5hours??? December. Then after that, it'll be january, and then we're getting used to writing 2010 in our dates! So fast. Next year, the LAST year of my JC career. I never thought saying that would feel so good :) *smiles to all who matter*

Anyways, I've been really...hmm.. tired is the only word I can think of, but it's not really the BEST fitting word. But yeah, just tired.. Well, if it's not JCLP, it's Borders. If not, it's SATs. If not, it's THAT.THING.THAT.MAKES.ME.SCREAM.youknowwhathearts. If not, it's that cutie that drives me crazy. HAHAHAH.

Eitherway, my heart is beating nice and hard, adrenaline pumping in and out, and the brain is in constant work. I'm not unhappy about it - I think its the most productive I've ever been in vacation! I just hope that I still "enjoy" myself in the process.

Anyways, talking about that cutie that drives me crazy.. he's such a cutie, and he drives me crazy. And as far as i'm concerned, I need not be concerned about anything - it'll die off in a while. heee. the cutie at work (:

JCLP's awesome-ish. I mean I don't feel like I'm wasting my time, and we get to sit in for court hearings etc - today we sat in for juvenile court. I swear I almost cried. Anyways, yeah. We don't have too much to do, or nothing to do, so its all good (:

Border's is fab too - bonding with more colleagues, especially Sarah CARmariah. HAHAA and well getting the Borders mojo. (:

SIGH. I think I'm gonna fuckup SATs, but I like...almost...don't care. Its kinda scary >.< hahahahah


OH WELL.
TOMORROW WATCHING NINJA ASSASSIN! WHEEEEE.

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My life's been having a lot of ups and downs lately - kinda feels like I'm on an eternal rollercoaster. I've got to go do other stuff, but just a quick update.

hmmm.

Retainees have been busy doing... well nothing really. The school makes us come to school and we still do nothing productive - unless you count me and Julien's K-drama watching! (woots! :D) School's still school I guess, we can't do anything about it - just like the Koreans+Chinese+Russians had no choice in the communist regime they were placed under. (hahahahha i know, the audacity of me, comparing my life to theirs. sigh)

HMM. I've really missed my friends buckets - especially since all the "links" are missing. Hahaha. They're all at Work Attachment! sigh. But its been funny, especially since I get random messages about how dull their life can be!!

I've got a job now (:

I signed up for SATs already (:

MY SISTER'S COMING BACK THIS DECEMBER. <3 THE BEST NEWS EVER. EXCITED TO THE MAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Labels: Reveries, School

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I was cruising to school on the flyover, and this was how the heavens greeted me. Beautiful, isn't it? I know once in a while, when the going gets awfully tough, I doubt if there's anyone up there, in the skies looking out for me. But it's moments like these that I feel this awe.

A lot has happened, but part of me still feels out of place. Beyond my comprehension.

So out of place.

Sigh. How long more will I feel this way?

Enough of that.

Well, Promos is beyond over, and well, the results are out. You know what Hell Week is? Well, for me, Hell Week was the week of which we knew the results were gonna be released, which was in fact on Friday. It was the week where you'd go to class and they'll tell you little things like "Oh, some of you failed..." or "Only 60% of the level passed...", or better yet, go through the whole paper, without you of course knowing whether you actually scored or not. They're not allowed to tell you actual useful information, but they torture you with the little things. I swear everyday we go home with a black face. Hahahaha.

Hmm, my results were very satisfactory. I'm pleased. But most of all, the fact that I've promoted (finally) it feels like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders. A whole, huge boulder. However, I'm suddenly sitting on a black hole of nothingness. Purposelessness. Hahaha. It's weird, now not having to worry about stuff, as much as I had too.

To fill the time, I'm thinking of SATs, a job, my French, driving.

So much to do.. where do I begin?

Labels: Reveries, School

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Nice weekend I've had - honestly. After a very frustrating week at school, I had a really good weekend. And well, I didn't have the WORST weekdays..just annoying, the school bit. But I must say after-school hours were pretty fun. Either we ate like pigs with Thompson Prata House or Beach Road..or hang out like k00l kids at Starbucks, or watched movies like Phobia2, (500) Days of Summer. I enjoy the company I keep, I've got really great friends, and I'm glad for it <3

Psst. You might not believe it, but Phobia 2 is DAMN SYIOK to watch! Really. With a bunch of friends. There's about 5 stories in it, and the first four had a lot of shockfactor and SCARRRRINESS, but the last was so AWESOMEPOSSUM - it ensured you won't sleep with nightmares! :D

I finally went raya-ing! Gosh, can you imagine, I bought a new dress for Hari Raya and only NOW do I get to wear it?! Sigh. Anyways, it was SAJC peeps, a super small gang. Hilmi, Farid, Nadia, Firqin, Fadilah, Me and well, Hayati at the last house! :D Fun. A lot of laughter. Some embarrassing moments. Some AWKWARD moments. A lot of teasing. and A WHOLE LOT OF CAMERA LOVE! Yayzers. It was kinda fun seeing the other sides of people. Like imagine HILMI serving you drinks, and being all nice and homely. HAHAH.

That was Saturday. Sunday was Syeek's OpenHouse at Tampines. Hee... Finally met some YMers. Hani, Ami, Isa, Abg Sat, Rabiatul and well Syeek of course. OF COURSE with Hani and me around, you'd know there's gonna be a LOT of pictures! :D HAHAHAH it was fun, and we went to AMKhub to watch sorority row. HAAHA, hmm it isn't worth the weekend rates, but if you're into some gory thrilling shit, then it'd be pretty okay. IF you pay only $6 hahaha.

I miss my old friends. And spending time with Fadilah (chicadilakhan) reminds me a lot about Cedar. She asked me a lot of whether I prefer being in SA to being in Cedar, and believe it or not, I was a little torn. I dunno. I never regret going to Cedar, that's for sure. But at the same time, when I remember certain memories of it, I don't think I'd turn back time just yet. I think Cedar was great for the formative years of my life. But it wasn't the easiest stage of my life to be in. In my secondary school days, there were a lot of bitter memories. Things that went on, between family and friends, that I don't think I'd want to repeat again. But of course, in my veins, lies the blood of a Cedarian, and true to form, would never forget her sisterhood bonds that she's created - the sense of patriotism that I do not feel for SA, lest for the rugby matches.

~~~~

Tomorrow's a new day, and Lord know's what's in store for us. But I'm excited, to meet my friends.

Labels: Life as it happens, Reveries, School

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