You go through rough patches sometimes. It's what they didn't tell you, when you handed over the consent form. But you over come them, regardless. Because, it's always worth it. If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for.

My brother just flew off to brighter pastures. It's the first time ever that I sent a sibling off, and I didn't shed a tear. It's definitely due to the fact that I'm beyond proud of him, elated for him, excited for him - too many positives to shed a tear. (OKAY, i did cry at some point. a few days ago. when i found out. whatevzz) It's amazing, I think. He's finally got his break. Reminds you, nothing is Impossible. Nothing.

I have dam full of emotions that I can't seem to put my finger on.

For you who enjoyed your monday, yes you.. i'm very happy for you. i honestly really am.

I feel..

still have to figure that out. Till then..

Labels: Family, Life as it happens, Reveries

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(Source)

Honestly, things are not better, per se. Whatever that bothered me in my previous post, still haunts me. However, despite all that, I'd like to believe that there is a way for me to bounce back from it all. And maybe, fingers crossed, I'll find my way out of this black hole and see the light in it all. After all, I did make 2 new resolutions for my life, and I'll try to stick to it (: To say that I know the very essence of despair is an understatement, but to say that I am helpless is a lie. I am not - especially since God has gifted me with an able body and mind. It's just another pothole in the path of life, and we have to overcome it. Though this pothole is fucking kickass. HAHA. Sorry. Okay.

Yes, shit happens.
But I trust in myself that I can pick myself up, and find back what life means to me, go back to the path that I choose to pave. Because it is my life, and no one can dictate how I choose to live my life, though they may try.

I yearn to find my way back to God. I know he may not have forgotten me, but I have been careless and selfish, forgetting that without Him, all is nothing. It is He that my life belongs to, and I owe it all to Him. I've just been distracted. Time for me to find the most essential fiber to my being

Labels: Family, Life as it happens, Reveries

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I cannot even begin to explain.
All I can say is, March is the tumultuous month.
And if anything, I am doing the best I can to hold on to whatever inkling of sanity I have left.
It takes the world for me to not attempt anything irrational.
Or dangerous.
Or harmful.
All I want?
Escape. Solitude. Peace.
It eats at my soul.
But I am trying, I am.
Still.
I cannot even begin to explain.

Labels: Family, Reveries

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Xin Nian Kuai Le, one and all. And of course, happy valentine's day to one and all. Heh. Lonely Hearts Club here, so yeah, not celebrating with anyone special. But then again I am spending it with special people, my family <3 You know, I've learnt the hard way that family is something that you have to accept, no matter the circumstances. Cos ain't nobody gonna have your back the way your family will. No matter how dysfunctional it can get (and trust me, I understand dysfunctional, with every fiber of my being), you can't help but love your family. You can't help but want the best for them. You can't help but get angry at them, especially since being family, you tend to expect more. You can't help but be selfish, cos family will forgive you anyways. You can't help but be you. Though, it's not to say that that is how one should treat family.

I've got a lot of pain and hurt, inflicted by my family towards me. Some wounds just never seem to heal, that I know. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I know I can't change what has happened. I can't make things..normal. Which is difficult for me to accept sometimes. Cos I expect more from my family. I have all these dreams and fears, that I harbor in my head. But the thing is, I know that I've got to learn to slowly accept it. Slowly make things better. It's hard, especially when all I want to do is make all the selfish decisions. I wonder how long it'll be before I finally accept everything and move on. But for now, all I have is faith. I know that deep down, I do love my family very much. It's just that things take time. Some, longer than others.

So as this Valentine's day come to an end, I'm leaving this week of love with the last love-esque photos.




love,
jans

Labels: Family, Reveries

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It's new year's eve reunion dinner tonight. Embracing my Chinese roots. I have no idea what's for dinner. I'm hoping that the Peranakan dish Ayam Buah Keluak will make its appearance. Yum. My duties for this year? Cook rice. HAHAHA. It's kind of effortless for us, since my dad's not big on the cultural obligations et cetera. But yeah, still. I'm looking forward to some chilling, good food, mahjong, tv. The usual. It so doesn't feel like a Saturday today.

Yesterday was the Chinese New Year concert the MCS has been so busy prepping for. It did occur to me that it's officially the last CNY celebrations I'll have with a school, like this, let alone perform on stage. SO yeah, feeling just a tad sentimental. To say this felt wayyyy better than last year's, would be a lie, cos last year felt like family. But to say this year's was horrid is a lie too, cos it was totally awesome. I had a great time with all. And I'm glad they put in the effort due. And well, I'm really really glad it's over. For the sake of my sanity, I'm glad I don't have to face certain..issues anymore, lest I go nuts. Whateverlah. I'm just glad that people enjoyed our performance very much! :D

I LOST MY WALLET

EGAD. I'm really bothered by it. I'm hoping that someone accidentally packed it into their bags, in the frenzy that is the CNY performance. OR like someone found it and sent it to the GO. I mean, if someone stole it et cetera then it's awfully unfair. Like I only just found a phone and returned it to its rightful owner. Now.. come on. ): I really hope I get it. Cos it's really beginning to annoy me and well. I can't do anything without my wallet. Plus the fact that there's so many sentimental things inside my wallet. Sobs.

Oh well.



did i mention i <3 her??

-jans

Labels: Family, Reveries, School

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I've been spending so much time with the loveliest 5 year old I know, and I'm really having a better time than I imagined. Sometimes, with technology, I wonder what's the BIG deal about my sister being here..I mean last time we talked EVERY OTHER DAY on skype anyways... so its just that she's PHYSICALLY here... right? Wrong. I remember now, that being with my sister is the awesomest thing. Sure, she's nutzo sometimes, but being with her is like having good fengshui. HAHAHAHAH. I mean, she makes me feel safe and taken care of - a feeling I haven't felt in a while. It's great. This is what practically 2 years of not seeing her does. I'm so glad she's here and my brother in law too, and especially so with my niece.

She's the greatest.

She's just like a normal kid, of course, she has her ups and downs. But for the most part, she's the most polite and elegant little lady I know, and I'm so glad to have her (: I mean which KID in this world declines chocolate from her relatives, stating.. "I'm sorry but I have to ask my mother first if its okay." She is abso lovely. I mean, yes, I do find it tiring that I'm with her ALL the time, but then, I look at her, and when she smiles and hug me and says things like.. "I love you so much Aunty Jaye" or "I wish I was you..", I remember all over again the gift of time and how precious it is. I mean, there may come a day where she might be too..."cool" for me, or we just can't connect (gosh i hope not tho), so these moments, are priceless.

If I had to write out the story of my family, it'll be published in encyclopedic-volumes. But to get the gist of it, there's many things that are superbly fucked up - like any other person's family could be, I'm sure. However, I can't help but love them as much as I do, and I remember that when it's just us, siblings and niece, the world is nothing else but flawless. I was looking through so many photo albums of my childhood the other day, and I really cried. What was, really was the best it could be, but it is what it is... past. I treasure my siblings more than anything. If only Adam was with us, eh?

Sigh. I've got a full day of work, Christmas shopping, then christmas eve dinner, presents-time, I'm sure I'll be exhausted. But it's all worth it (:

Labels: Family, Life as it happens, Reveries

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Yes, in about 15 hours my sister's coming home.

Yes, I've been waiting for so long.

Yes, I've got no idea what's in store.

No, no one's allowed in my room, no matter what. Simply because its so messy. ahhahaha.

Yes, tomorrow I'll be at the airport, hanging at the viewing gallery.

Yes, these weeks are going to be interesting.

No, I'm not prepared for any fiasco.

And, yes, I just got all fangirly over Ok Taecyeon. Kill me.

I don't know what else to say. I'm enjoying work - well the people, mostly. And well, I love the staff discounts. And *cough*so do my friends*cough* There's still a sort of heaviness in my heart, maybe? Yeah. I guess it comes from the feeling that it's possible that there's something out there I want that I can't have. Wicked eh?

I don't wanna clean my room. Its too much. AAAAAAH.

Labels: Family, Life as it happens, Reveries

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Anyways, yes, I did.

MOVING on.

I'm honestly giving up on my family. I don't like any of them. Well not really. But for all my siblings, parents etc, there's so many things I don't like about them, anymore. I don't know. But whatever, I love them, still. Of course. Its blood right? But doesn't mean I like them. So many things, and they're family. Family.

What's that supposed to mean? I worked at the family courts of singapore and this is what the judge told us. "It is in this court where you meet the worst of society. You may think you see bad people at the criminal courts, but those are people who commit wrongdoings to people they don't know. Strangers. Here, you see people hurting their own blood. Hurting their families."

I don't know.

I don't know if I want to have kids anymore. I mean, that would make me responsible for another life. To not screw up their life. To not let them get hurt, most of all not by their parents. To let them reach their dreams. Not to forget the religious obligation? I'm afraid for that. I'm afraid of what might be, cos I don't think I know anyone who's able to satisfy all of it. No one I know has, and I don't think anyone will. I don't think I want to have kids. I love the idea, I love it. If you know me enough, you'll know I'll love kids my whole heart. But I don't think I will.

If I do have kids, can I stop them from meeting my family? Can we just live in a bubble of them and me and my love?

Thats not possible now, is it?

Labels: Family, Life as it happens, Reveries

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I had a great night, I must say. The best night I had in any situation. The best time I've ever had with people from my school. But of course there was one thing missing, and I really really wished she could've been there. It would have made it whole and complete.

My feet are aching.

My body's tired.

But I wouldn't have traded that night for anything.

It was not without a lot of pain; I mean how stupid it is to fight with your mom about something like this? And I was just really proud of myself, for I was honest to myself and I didn't do anything that was wrong to me. I made the right choices and I am proud, because I know that it was not easy to make. Of course I was tempted, but I remembered what my principles were and stayed true to me, and that was important.

Sometimes, I wonder what my parents want of me - well my mother mostly. The whole time she didn't let me go, she said she didn't want anything to happen to me, and I was very sure that she had some trust issues about it - my brother had violated that trust a 1000 times, but still, I constantly remind her that I am not him, not one bit. But as she walked out the door yesterday, she said something to me - "I don't want to tanggung any dosa yang kau buat" ergo, I don't wanna be held responsible for the sins that you do.

Just feels a little selfish, to me. Sigh.

Things just never seem to change, I think.

I love my parents and I don't want it to be that I don't care about them. I'm tired of fighting about everything, just everything. It sucks the life out of everything, and well, honestly, I really really hate fighting. I know sometimes I seem like such a rebel, but I'm really not. The countless times I backed out because my mom said no, the countless times I didn't wanna go when she says "pergi lah, pergi lah..". I would not have had a good time, had she not sincerely allowed me, really.

For that, I know was the hardest decision for her to make, but I'm really really grateful, Ma.

Anyways, enough with the jannahdrama.

IT WAS AN AWESOME NIGHT. I REALLY WISHED YOU WERE HERE HEARTS, BUT I REALLY UNDERSTAND. YOU DIDN'T MISS OUT ON ANYTHING, HONEST - it was just fun, that's all. I'd love to tell the world about the fuckers, the scandals, the psychofreaks, the guys who really can't dance - but I think it violates some sort of privacy thing.

The awesomest part of my night was dancing with my ex-class. They were really the only reason I wanted to go - when else can I spend time with them after this? I mean I expect them to forget me soon enough, and I don't blame them for it. It was fun, just singing the words with them, seeing the different side of my class+the usual posse of TKSS boys. It felt like 2008 over again, and I really loved that part of my 2008.
The best part was him.


Can you believe it's december?

Everything looks so deliciously december, and my sister's coming home, and well, everything. I'm awfully excited for the 17th. For work. For more PAY! For everything to come. It's awesome to know that I think I've achieved several things that I had set out to achieve this year, but I'm looking forward to finishing my jc career. Honest. I can't wait to just be.

But for now, it's time to begin studying again... (:

Labels: Family, Life as it happens, Reveries

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There was a time when I wasn't a pain or a nag. There was a time that I was nice, understanding, filial; of course once in a while there are those bad days filled with shouts/pouts/tears. I'd like to think I wasn't always like this, and I'm very sure I wasn't. I treated them once with respect and dignity. Unlike now. I know I'm rude. I know it. It's not like I don't realize that the way I talk to my parents is not the way you talk to your parents. Sigh. This issue turns me to a hypocrite. Like how I may be appalled at other people when they are rude to their parents, but I ought to look into the mirror myself.

But.

Something changed in us in the last years that changed everything; how I treat them included. No excuse, I know. But it's not easy anymore. Really. I know I'd never let my kid talk to me the way I talk to my parents. Irony, eh? But I'd never do to my child what's been done to me either lah. That's what I say now. Sigh. Sometimes it stings, like the stinging pain when someone goes "eh you can talk like that to your mom/dad ah?!" - cos when you know its wrong, when you know that there was a time when the way you spoke to them was different, when you know that you changed, you feel so dreadfully ashamed.

I'm not emo, I'm just reflecting. You know, fasting month does this to me - not just counting my blessings, but counting all the bad things I've done. You might not believe it, but I really was different. Once, a long time ago. At least it feels like a long time ago.

Maybe I'll change. I hope. But maybe I won't. Sigh.

Labels: Family, Reveries

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