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"One does not love a place the less for having suffered in it, unless it has been all suffering, nothing but suffering"

~Jane Austen

Words become superfluous. Only tears suffice.

Labels: Reveries

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i love you for sharing this with me (:

You may think its a waste of 12 minutes of your life, but you're wrong. It's the best pick-me-up I've had in a long while.

Labels: Life as it happens, One Last Song, Reveries

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"It's all make believe, isn't it?" ~ Marilyn Monroe

Labels: Reveries

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And now, let's take a moment to rejoice that such an amazing Japanese man walks this Earth. Too bad we won't be seeing him at the WC 2010 this year ):

Labels: Life as it happens

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When I listen to Paramore's "The Only Exception", I wonder when it is that I'll be able to feel that way again, and be the exception.

Tell me, will I wait forever?



The only exception ~ Paramore
When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Ohh

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

Labels: One Last Song, Reveries

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I just did a quiz on fb and well I kinda am nodding my head at somethings...




how funny.

Labels: Reveries

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I cannot believe it's only 4 hours to Monday. Not only was my weekend uneventful, it was still freaking awesome. Other than the fact that I'm still sick to my bones. Sigh. I wish weekends last forever.

I was hit again by the "oh no 19 in 3 months" bug and I've decided to come up with a list of things to do before I turn one-nine. Just for the fun of it.

"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do" - Benjamin Spock

Labels: Life as it happens, Reveries

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my february, in a nutshell.

Labels: Life as it happens

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can you feel my heartbeat

the heart that you stepped all over and left
is still beating. and it's beating for you

no matter how hard i try to forget
no matter how many new people i meet
why do i keep thinking of only you when i turn around
i don't want to do this anymore. i want to stop.
no matter how many times i try and try to stop myself
it's no use. my heart is broken. why

why do i keep doing such foolish things
i know in my head, but why is my heart rebelling
i'm holding on to you and can't let go.
it still feels like you're next to me.
i can't believe in farewell

no matter who i meet, i can't open up one part of my heart and i keep your place empty
there's no reason for you come back, but why do i keep thinking that you might come back
why isn't my heart listening

Yes, I'm spamming translated korean lyrics. And well. It kinda hits the spot too.

Labels: One Last Song, Reveries

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Sometimes I forget to open my eyes to everything around me. To see beyond my bubble. Sometimes, I forget. I forget to appreciate what I've got.

You're not alone. (:

Oh, and I realise, distance sometimes doesn't help you forget what you want to forget. Is it sad that I'm looking at whatever I've left of him, just so I can hang on to whatever I've got left of him?

I'm just swinging by a pitstop, on my way to acceptance and Mount Moving On..

Labels: Reveries

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If you've never heard her before, you should. She's lovely. And if you like her, remember you heard it here first!

Labels: One Last Song

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It's a feeling that spreads throughout you
Yes. Happiness. And excitement. Possibly the fruition of something so wonderful and lovely at the same time. God only knows what I'd be without you. You know, I love you lots, and have only wanted the best for you. Regardless of what happens, I'm happy. I'll pray for you so very hard. The rest is in His hands. You're my best and truest friend and I'm wishin' and hopin' for the very very best. <3



Stay tuned

P.S: Did I mention today was a good day?

Labels: Reveries

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I went to have yummmmmmy yummmmmmmy Max Brenner's with Hearts and her sister! That stint was indeed a yummy and awkward cos there were Saints working there! I mean just a little weird to be served by familiar faces, that's all. We had the YUMMYYUMMY chocolatey desserts. Like... the MB's Chocolate Souffle and their fondue too. Pictures when that woman FINALLY go and put them up! HAHA.

Well a mini-review?

I've been to the Esplanade MB, and now the Vivocity one. Honestly, I love them both. I mean, desserts aside, the ambience for Esplanade's have always been more on the romantic, sensual side. So if you're celebrating a special day with you other halves, the Esplanade branch is definitely for you. However, the VivoCity one we went to yesterday was bright, with lots of lights coming through the entire store. The seating arrangements was very casual and has a much more, happy-peppy air to it. So if you're indulging on some absolutely delicious chocolatey desserts, with some girlfriends, or with family, I'll definitely recommend the Vivocity one. My only booboo was the chocolate shakes weren't as good. It was either very diluted, or just not that yum. My favourite one was the peanut butter one. But other than that, it was lovely.

We walked around and well, enjoyed the rest of the good night. It was well deserved fun, I must say.

Goodtimes, goodtimes.

Labels: Life as it happens

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THIS IS DAMN LAME, I KNOW, but I didn't know you STILL read my blog, and I got so excited, cos I thought we dissipated into the air! I miss you so very much. SO VERY VERY VERY much, and I'm so glad you're still in my life! HAHAHA. WOMAN, how have you been?! And seriously, is it me, or is it DAMN SAD that I'm talking to you through my blog?! CHEETOT! I'm so sorry I didn't meet you on friday - what with all my lost wallet drama ))))): I hope your Valentine's day was lovely! CAN YOU IMAGINE, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING AT ALL FOR VDAY!? So teruk of me kan?! HAHAHA how different from the me that bakes stuff EVERY year! ANYWAYS, enough of this. I just wanted you (and everyone else) to know that I MISS YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU KNOW I

YOU VERY MUCH!!!!
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My night was a little bit of this

and

with these
.
It was a good night, for sure.

5 hours of sleep and make-up remover later, my head still yearns some more shut eye and well I'm still smiling from the good time (:

Labels: Life as it happens

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Xin Nian Kuai Le, one and all. And of course, happy valentine's day to one and all. Heh. Lonely Hearts Club here, so yeah, not celebrating with anyone special. But then again I am spending it with special people, my family <3 You know, I've learnt the hard way that family is something that you have to accept, no matter the circumstances. Cos ain't nobody gonna have your back the way your family will. No matter how dysfunctional it can get (and trust me, I understand dysfunctional, with every fiber of my being), you can't help but love your family. You can't help but want the best for them. You can't help but get angry at them, especially since being family, you tend to expect more. You can't help but be selfish, cos family will forgive you anyways. You can't help but be you. Though, it's not to say that that is how one should treat family.

I've got a lot of pain and hurt, inflicted by my family towards me. Some wounds just never seem to heal, that I know. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I know I can't change what has happened. I can't make things..normal. Which is difficult for me to accept sometimes. Cos I expect more from my family. I have all these dreams and fears, that I harbor in my head. But the thing is, I know that I've got to learn to slowly accept it. Slowly make things better. It's hard, especially when all I want to do is make all the selfish decisions. I wonder how long it'll be before I finally accept everything and move on. But for now, all I have is faith. I know that deep down, I do love my family very much. It's just that things take time. Some, longer than others.

So as this Valentine's day come to an end, I'm leaving this week of love with the last love-esque photos.




love,
jans

Labels: Family, Reveries

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It's new year's eve reunion dinner tonight. Embracing my Chinese roots. I have no idea what's for dinner. I'm hoping that the Peranakan dish Ayam Buah Keluak will make its appearance. Yum. My duties for this year? Cook rice. HAHAHA. It's kind of effortless for us, since my dad's not big on the cultural obligations et cetera. But yeah, still. I'm looking forward to some chilling, good food, mahjong, tv. The usual. It so doesn't feel like a Saturday today.

Yesterday was the Chinese New Year concert the MCS has been so busy prepping for. It did occur to me that it's officially the last CNY celebrations I'll have with a school, like this, let alone perform on stage. SO yeah, feeling just a tad sentimental. To say this felt wayyyy better than last year's, would be a lie, cos last year felt like family. But to say this year's was horrid is a lie too, cos it was totally awesome. I had a great time with all. And I'm glad they put in the effort due. And well, I'm really really glad it's over. For the sake of my sanity, I'm glad I don't have to face certain..issues anymore, lest I go nuts. Whateverlah. I'm just glad that people enjoyed our performance very much! :D

I LOST MY WALLET

EGAD. I'm really bothered by it. I'm hoping that someone accidentally packed it into their bags, in the frenzy that is the CNY performance. OR like someone found it and sent it to the GO. I mean, if someone stole it et cetera then it's awfully unfair. Like I only just found a phone and returned it to its rightful owner. Now.. come on. ): I really hope I get it. Cos it's really beginning to annoy me and well. I can't do anything without my wallet. Plus the fact that there's so many sentimental things inside my wallet. Sobs.

Oh well.



did i mention i <3 her??

-jans

Labels: Family, Reveries, School

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Labels: Reveries

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"You gave my life direction, a game show love connection"

I had a sudden mood swing today. I'm really really really really really sorry if you had to bear the brunt of it. Really. Shouldn't lose track of my feelings too much, or let others suffer. Anger Management. But ironically, I wasn't too sure of WHY my mood suddenly changed. I think it was a cumulative of stresses I've faced today! Buttttt still, not an excuse. Sorry.

Anyways, I sat for my History test. No cheating involved, no anything. Everything was just as it should be. As always, as is every bloody essay, I faced a lack of time to finish my essay. Wasn't able to explain people power explanation. Kainonacheongchiobu.

I'm trying to find that constant that once was in my life, especially in my academics. Really have to. Like for MSA, I really did badly. Relative to my academic progress of last year, and well, seeing some of my results. I'm really hoping people don't get misled. But for myself, it really was a disappointment. Not because I simply screwed up, but above all else, I could have definitely prevented some of my results from falling. I don't know what's wrong with me. As if I lost my touch.

Rubbish. I'm just awfully distracted. HAVE TO GET BACK.

Anyways, it's that time of the year again. I'll try to fill my posts with as mannnnnnny lovely photos before the day itself. I love the idea of love in the air, though of course I am not oblivious to the fact that I'm lacking in that area (hahah). Still. I cannot forget that when love feels good, it feels really really good.

love,
jans.

Labels: School

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Honestly, last I checked, that was a prominent part of the life of a Saint - the Pattaya rice. I don't really fancy it, but I know soooo many people do, to the extent of witholding their hunger just so that they can get the Makcik's Pattaya rice, which she usually only makes in the afternoons. People look forward to it. And well somehow, such a litte plate of fried rice wrapped in egg omelet with Makcik's very own designs (Somedays it's a person with curly hair, other days its flowers..and so on) where each design is made with all her TLC will become a lovely memory of my life at SAJC.

I guess what I'm getting at is that, well.. I have to appreciate the little things, cos it's in the little things in life where miracles happen, and with it the fruition of joy. There's a lot I have to be thankful for, like for example, the fact that I'm still in JC, which usually brings about bitter thoughts to my mind, also has its perks. I have the luxury of having fun, doing stupid things, still depending on my friends, laughing out loud and chucking "etiquette" to one corner. I have the luxury of holidays, and well sometimes, though I really wish I didn't, I have the luxury of making mistakes and being forgiven for it. Seeing my friend's today reminds me of the realities of life, where soon, I'll have to face co-workers and employers who obviously leave no room for error, hours dedicated to something that I may or may not be passionate about, the realities of the ADULT fare busrides, etc. All the harsh realities of the world will also fall on me, and knowing my idealistic self, it'll probably eat on my life force. So yeah, right now, I have a lot to be grateful for. The bloody grass is always greener on the other side. For now, I really have a lot to smile for.

I met my secondary school friends today. It was a short dinner.. yet the familiarity warms my heart. Not everyone was there, but it still felt very good. Like seeing people I once spent my days laughing around with. All that blue and grey.

Heyyy, hey people~ WOOO HAAAH
I wanna knoww-ooohhh-oooohhh
If you love our class!

I wish I had more time to catch up, to really talk, to listen. But hey time cannot be bought, so maybe another time and place. (:

Oh, and Wengs told Hearts something which she told me, which I find sums up what ought to be my motivation to study and so on (which I really ought to, I'm so behind everything!): Remember your failures

Think about it.

Love, Jans.

Labels: School

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I think I ought to leave the past as past. It's gonna be 3 more months before I turn 19. Enough with the sadness, the ungratefulness, the negativity. Hello, new me. It's too much time wasted, time spent on ugly thoughts. I think to move forward, I have to realise that's precisely what I've got to do: move.

As a metaphor of fresh beginnings, I've already left my old skin (haha, how funny.) for this new one. Just so I don't forget how my past looks like...




Wow. Anyways.

I've been having a very hard time, internally. Emotionally and spiritually. I know what's wrong, at least spiritually, but I feel as if I'm forgetting God. I've become lazy, and forgetful, ungrateful. Questioning, and unhappy. Who am I to deny the Lord? Still, I forget. I forget that in I am just another person. Disposable. That I ought to reach out to Him, before He stops reaching out to me. Sigh. Life was never meant to be easy, I know that now. I know that I'll remember these days, these years, more than the rest, cos it was hard and it built my character, nonetheless.

I remember, whilst working at Borders, when it was New Year's Eve, Audrey asked how 2009 was and what our resolutions were for 2010. My answer?

2009 was awesome. But it was not without its ups and downs. I learnt a lot from 2009. 2010? I want it to be a year where I learn more, and live more. To grow and be a better person than I was last year.

February review? 2010 has started off with one helluva rollercoaster ride. So many ups, and far more downs. Imagine, with the start being this way, then how would the rest of the year be? I am hopeful, still. That He looks after me, and that soon enough I'll find my way back to happiness.

Screw love, happiness is the new high.

Oh and..
With FIrqin over at my house, we had the WILDEST night on Saturday. W-I-L-D-E-S-T.EVER. Hahahahahahha. Yes. We went to the Esso near my house, bought the crazy-est snacks (YAN-YAN+COLLON=CHILDHOOD) and walked back home for a movie -Divine Secrets of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood. WILDCHILD. Hahahahahahahahahah. Sorry, a joke between the two of us. Lol. Friday night was less wild, compared to our movie night. Not. But whatever. That movie, well it strikes me in so many ways. Will I ever be able to mend my relationship with my mother? Will I have friends that will have my back, all the way till the hairs on my head go white? Questions unanswered. But still, it was a lovely movie. About life, and family.

My mid february will be awesome, and so will the rest of my 2010. (:

Labels: Reveries

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Fun. What does it mean? To different people, it means differently. Sometimes, I feel as if my head is plagued by so many ideals of what is indeed "fun", that I lose it for myself. Of my eventful night, the best parts were the start and the end. The start because, I met the people that made my teenage-hood to send Kikin off to bright sunny Australia; it was fun, and most of all, meaningful. Despite the fact that a particular person was very very late, it was fun, to catch up, talk about life, try to fill in the space in everyone's heart. Laughing, talking, bringing up the past. The last part because it was nice to finally let out my heart's content, to actually face how I felt, under the stars of the late night sky, on the grass patch, facing Fullerton. It was awesome to share it with people who get it, and the relief of simply shouting their names into the depths of the night. A relief. Everything in between the start and the end then becomes superfluous.

Slowly, possibly, I'm starting to come to terms with my life as I know it. Family, friends, love. Slowly, the thought of losing the ones who mean most to me, start to hurt less. Slowly the very nature of my friendship with people who really mean a lot to me, dawns on me. Maybe, true to my character, everything's just in my head. I slowly feel like I'm losing people around me, and I'm beginning to realise that the prospect of flying solo is real. What ought I do? I have yet to discover what path lies ahead of me.

I'm lost, and I just wish there was someone to just point me to the right direction so I can go.

I'm grateful, for Firqin. I'm grateful for Alexis. I'm grateful that they were there when I finally cried. Grateful.

Right now, I just wished I felt grateful more often. Thankful.

Labels: Life as it happens, Reveries

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