Without a doubt, I am the most volatile person I know. One second I dread, the next I change my mind. As always, in true Jannah form, I thought about me, him, life, God, everything. I took an almost 2 hour long shower, reflecting on life and everything as I know it. As I sat on the bathroom floor, with the hot shower running, I've decided that what my life needs right now is fresh, new perspective. There was a time in 2009 that I had this bout of uninterrupted happiness, and that is what I need. Yes, this would not be the first time I try to locate that happiness, but I feel it in my bones that this time is different. What I need is change. I need to remove my self from the dark clouds that tend to taint my days, and I need to find happiness that is dependent on no one else but myself. Only when I find true joy and bliss in myself, will I be able to find joy and love in others.

So it has been decided. I'm going to make dates, with no one other than myself. I've set out 2 goals for me to achieve this year. Only two because I know now that in order to not be disappointed, to not feel horrid, I have to be realistic and have realistic expectations in life.

One: I'm going to make my life a healthy one. And I mean healthy in all aspects of my life. The word health is derived from Old English hǣlth, of Germanic origin, related to whole: "wholeness, a being whole, sound or well". I want to be whole and complete. Physically, why not? Mentally, spiritually ~ everything. A healthy relationship with my self, family, friends, and most of all God. That, may take a while to build, or rebuild (if I really think about it), but I am willing to take the plunge. This life is too short for me to waste away, so I really should make the best of it.
Two: I am going to do as well as I possibly can for my academics. The grades I'd like to achieve? Well, I shall not divulge. But there's nothing more important right now, than to do well for my A Levels. I will not want to look back and regret everything. I've got nothing else but A Levels to focus on this year in terms of achievements, so really, there is no excuse. Right now, I know that the possibility of not doing well for BT1 is a real one, but I have no one to blame but myself. This year did not start off well, especially not in my academia, but nonetheless I want to and have to move forward from there. I know the journey will be tough and may not always be a fulfilling one, but I will press on. My future depends on it, anyways.

It is about finding myself, and really understanding what I want from life. It is about knowing that no one can dictate how my life plays out but myself - I will narrate, and not be narrated. "No one shall dictate my happiness" (wise words from a very lovely, wise young woman), and I truly believe in it. Whether I have to venture this journey alone right now, is superfluous. How can I be anything to anyone if I have yet to figure myself out?

It is essential that I build in me a sense of peace and joy, in order for me to simply, be.

Labels: Life as it happens, Reveries

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