Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.

Monday, March 08, 2010 @ 01:27

The truth is hiding in your eyes.

It's been a long while, a very long while that I've let on how I really am, how I really feel. And it's not just to others, but to myself. Of late, I feel as if I'm numb - numb to everything that passes by me in life. It takes reading someone else's blog to understand what I've been missing out. I wonder to myself ~ how did I get so superficial? How it is that I got so good at lying? A lot of things bother me about life right now. Like how I got myself so weak that my joys and sorrows seem to be dependent on one person. Is it really weak though, to be needed and to need? Or how I have two separate ambitions, distinctly delineated by what seemed to me as reason and logic. How I forgo being just to fit into what seems to be the mould that I ought to want to be. I never was that way. I never liked to be defined, I never liked to fit in (well, maybe sometimes..), I never wanted to fulfill expectations. I always wanted to just take whatever is expected of me, and shove it down the road of nothingness. But now, that is what I am. I am just another stone at the bottom of the ocean. There's nothing wrong with being like the rest - don't get me wrong, I think you're awesome if you can do it. But I just never thought I'd be that. I thought I was special. But turns out, I'm as special as my mother told me I was when I was 6.

Still. I think I'll be lying if I said I don't want to win this rat race. I do not lie that it is indeed exhausting. I guess there's still part of me that expects me to fuck up my life, to be forever in this rut of being never good enough. So yeah, don't blame me if I want to turn round that expectation.

I cannot forget that no matter what, it's all about me. It's not about what she says, or he says, neither is it about the past. I need to remember that there's purpose in life. There is hope. That my life is worth living for there is a purpose to be served by me, and everyone else around me. No matter how my journey is now, there is a goal.

I just need to breathe. As would you.

You're fine. I'm fine. We'll be fine. Define yourself what life really means to you and friend, you will indeed be fine.

I'll be fine. I'm fine. I really am. One day has passed, and I am still here. I won't lie ~ I never thought I'd be in it so bad. That a boy would make me so helpless. But I'll be fine. I will. Cos life is greater than this, and the power of the soul is greater than anything that ever was. Other than God, of course.

"There is no end to the beginning of want." Sigh, she has a point, no?

And off to bed I go. (:

Labels: Life as it happens, Reveries