Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009 @ 20:59

Is it so hard to be happy??

I just went blog-hopping - it felt like I ventured across cities, countries, continents. And well, it just left me thinking: are people just lucky, or is happiness really NOT that hard to attain? It left me really truly reflecting about my life, how I live it and all.

Honestly, I don't know if I'm truly happy. I really don't know. My moods move with the wind; its like a true Hollywood movie, my life, but not something you really want for your own. I don't know. Currently, at this moment, I'm really really sad. I don't know.. It makes me wonder is it just me? Teenagers in general? Is it angst? Is it upbringing? Do people of a certain race, gender, religion always seem to have it better? Or is it just an innate need to be miserable?

Partly, it's definitely got something to do with discontentment - being hard to please, doesn't put you in the running for happiness.

Today, was a truly testing day - honestly. By GP lesson, I was so worn that I wanted to cry - how ironic is it that we were discussing the issue of Family. Like I was saying, when I was blog-hopping, it made me realise that the truly(seemingly so) happy people are those with a strong family unit. Like Amy - reading her blog just struck a chord, in places I thought ceased to exist. It made me yearn for what I have but forgotten, had but lost.

Its been almost a whole year since I've met my sister - we keep in contact, definitely. Video chat, whats nots. But I really miss those times where it was just us - you, my kakak, and me, your adik. I remember as a child (I was the youngest, so instances of selfishness did occur) I was really angry at my brother-in-law, Chris; I felt that he took my sister away from me and well, I was also really really angry at my sister for leaving home at 17, and never turning back. Of course now I love Chris to bits - without him there won't be Chrisue or Lara. Still, you have no idea how much I miss her; miss those times we'd sing Britney together or dancing to AQUA in mum's room, when she visits. I guess the age gap between us really creates an insignificant wedge. Still, she's my sister. I love her dearly, even though she scolds me like she's my mom, tells me things I wouldn't want to hear from anyone, or is never around. I love her truly.

(obviously done by her)

I've got 2 brothers. Oh boy, the tears they've caused me, the constant anger-eruptions thanks to them-everything. I mean, of course - the bond between me and my sister goes beyond blood, but my brothers and I, well, we go way way back. All the horrid times they've made me cry, treating me like a guy, teasing me till no end, laughed and joked, shoo-ed me out of their room but bombarded into mine. I guess, I never appreciated all those times. Really. Adam's in Australia now, and I can only hope that God looks out for him, and that he's working really hard.

(CNY 2009)

And my bestfriend and worst enemy - Redhuan. Lord knows the times we've fought with each other - where punches are thrown, and phones are flying across the rooms; where tears are inevitable and shouts and screams mundane. He's the one I'm stuck with. He's my brother. He's the one person I can count on, who'll really look out for me no matter what; the one person who knows how to make me laugh and especially make me cry. The one guy I know will punch the guy that breaks my heart and makes me cry, and scream at me for breaking rules and doing badly. Him and me, well, we go through tonnes of shit, together. For he's the guarder of the gates of heaven.

(Before my trip to PRAGUE)

As much as we have one another - we've lost many things. I use lost, because remembering those things causes a lot of pain in my heart and tears in my eyes. We were once a hustlebustle-y home. We once went on vacations together, did things together. Whether it was to Changi Beach Club, or the movies, or Indonesia, we used to do things, together. Parents + children. We're no longer what we once was, for sure. And that, is what, makes me envious of families who do have all that. The joy of one another's presence, the happiness that everyone brings to our lives. Its kinda... lost.

just makes me sad thinking about it. But, well, we try right? I guess with age, that's what happens to families? 30-28-23-18. Our ages should be locker combinations. Or 79-81-86-91.
Birth spanning decades. Its no wonder we are where we are now.

Ultimately, it makes me think. Am I unhappy because I choose to be, or its because circumstances really are what they are? They do not help either.

<3