This is my honest and sincere feeling. The truth. Veritas, the only way I know.

I honestly honestly feel so god darn lonely. I'm not kidding. Lonely. It's the worst feeling. I hate that I call on the same pool of people, so I won't be alone. I hate it more that I text a whole set of people, waiting for the one who's free to hang out, free to text me back, almost excited when I get replies. I hate it most, when I realize that those around me always have someone, or at the very least a fallback. I lost mine. I lost her to the depths of tomorrow, and I'm never getting her back. So yes, I feel extremely lonely. I hate it when I'm told I've got tonnes of friends.. because I really don't think I do. I have tonnes of acquaintances; that's different. I glow in envy, when I see people around me - fallbacks and all - always having and making plans. I feel so left out, and at the same time, I feel as if I'm missing out. I know I almost never mention this, but I really really miss my friends from yesteryears. I miss the clique-y; I miss them so much that my heartaches when I realize how much time changes everything. I miss Kings, so so much. Life was so much different with them, we stuck together, thick and thin. We shared our laughter, our love, our sadness, our lives. Sure it wasn't always fun and games, but at least I had something. I miss miss miss miss miss Syafiqah. How weird it was that we could spend everyday at school together, write telepathic letters to one another, but now, we barely even speak. I miss Adel. I miss 3sops1alto. Nowadays, in a room full of people, I feel alone. I really do. I pretend nothing's wrong, but I do. But its not just old bonds that I miss - my friends now are also sorely yearned for. I feel them slipping away - you could be next to me, but I feel like you're miles and miles away from here. Friday nights, this is when the utter state of my loneliness is highlighted to me, because therein lies the weekend. A stark reminder of how I'm always the one reaching out to people, making the plans, rather than be planned for. Trust me, even I'm amazed at how much I feel like I'm walking this path, a lone ranger.

I don't tell people I feel this way, cos I've got no one to tell.

Maybe I am disillusioned, maybe I just ask for too much, or just emotional. Maybe I'm just not counting my lucky stars.

But it is genuinely how I feel.

To think there was a time I was taken for granted. Compared to this, I'd rather feel under-appreciated.

THE ONLY THING that managed to perk up my otherwise bleak Friday night, was Edna. Random but true. We talked and chatted for almost 3 hours? It was fun. Like, unprejudiced and chat chat about the most random things.

Thank God for her.

Labels: Reveries

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