Seriously, i have no idea what i'm doing in this life. I guess just like everyone else, i have no idea what life has in store for me, no idea which direction the wind will blow next, no idea what i should do, at all. Its as though someone kicked me into a jungle with nothing, not even a compass to show me the way.

I hate feeling clueless, i hate feeling unprepared

I know it may not look like it, but i've prepared myself for everything most of my life; group presentations, project, and have never EVER liked the feeling of being ill-prepared for anything. Yet, many of the things i face in life, i truly wasn't prepared for. At all.

Come to think of it, i am very ashamed. I let my troubles get to me, affecting my livelihood. I never really faced my troubles head on; instead i keep them bottled up- my sadness, my fears, my anger- all in this tiny ticking timebomb just waiting to explode. Just because i wasn't prepared for it, doesn't mean i should hide from it. Why couldn't i be like them; the people who use their adversities as a medium for them to succeed in life. Why had i been so weak?

Maybe its because i'm the youngest of the family.

Ever since i was in kindergarten, everyone i knew thought i had the perfect life. The perfect family, the perfect everything. Yes, when i was four, almost everything seemed so perfect, almost surreal. Almost. I mean, there were some things that wasn't so perfect; but you hide them under the rug - as long as the good outweigh the bad, it won't matter, won't it? When things started to crumble in my life, slowly yet surely, but i never let on. No, i will not disappoint others, i will not let them see past this facade i put on It felt as though no longer having the perfect life would disappoint them.

You know, how it is, when you realise your favourite athelete actually used drugs to fuel their sporting success? Or your favourite actress, who seemed so perfect, actually had plastic surgery? That feeling, of utter disappointment you get, that feeling of betrayal; that was what i feared others would feel when they realise that my life isn't perfect after all. Worse, i didn't want anyone to feel suddenly that they were better than me. I kind of put all this unnecessary pressure on myself, in a way.
Gosh, i'm screwed up that way aren't i?

Its not that i'm emo-ing away, inches from slitting my wrists. I'm really not. But i just want everyone to know, that really nothing is as it seems. I may look happy and enthusiastic 24/7 but really, i'm just hiding how i really feel; I may say everything's alright, but it most probably isn't. I don't show my feelings, cos i don't wanna be seen as weak, or cos i don't wanna be pitied. I've spent enough of my time in self-pity. its time i move on with life and grow up. I'm just human, and i deserve every right to imperfection in my life. Allow me it.

I'll think about it everyday, as i usually do.

I've lived my life for drama, but this is just way too much drama in one lifetime.

I cry at scenes of old people loving each other, living their lives till they die together. Not simply because they touch me,
but because i'm sad that my parents won't have that, they won't share it.

I fear that my fate will end up like my parents, that it'll truly be a vicious cycle.

I'm scared i'll never find anyone willing enough to accept me with all my emotional baggage.

I'm afraid of facing some truths in my life.

I'm only human, and that's what i'm afraid. back to top?