I think its almost possible that my mother and my msn connection has formed allies! I have been booted off my msn account around 10 times, with sudden lost of internet connection. what the hell! its so horrid.
I talked to jeg and then i got booted off. i talked to sofia and darryl and AGAIN got booted off! then i talked to syafi, oh my, that woman ah, PLEASE LAH I'M NOT GOING OFFLINE AND ONLINE AGAIN TO GET ATTENTION! :P


argh.

who knew msn could be so annoying! so i hope no one thinks that i purposely decided not to stop our conversations for some weird reason.


Anyways.


Today i took on the amazingly challenging task of cleaning my room! i mean seriously, my room is like UBER messy; walking in, you'd think a hurricane just paid a visit to my room! But i'm very proud to say, i managed to clean almost every nook & cranny available in my room! *que standing ovation!*


So wow, life, its been pretty hectic. like seriously. I have been slacking off a little for several days, especially after econs test. Going out with joycelyn, farina, amalina, nadiah, yada yada... The other day, we watched the Leap Years. It wasn't the best movie; you couldn't feel the passion actually. BUT, the story behind it is very sweet. Good story, just not so great presentation. Anyhow, farina cried, joycelyn cried, i cried, nadiah cried. Hahahah, we're such girls that way.

This holiday, it just dawned to me, is a very important time for me to catch up with work. Gosh, lots of stuff to be done, i'm quite amazed that people still expect actual human beings to do it. gahh. anyways, i have so much to catch up on, namely mathematics. Who knew maths would be so... hard! My brother says that i'm doing maths at an even higher level than he when he was in JC.
maybe i'm smarter than you (:
Anyhow, i get to use a graphic calculator for maths; a ridiculously expensive and huge calculator that, according to my brother, is an indication that my mathematics is going to be a hell lot harder! and i thought maths was supposed to be chicken's feet?!


About life, i'm so amazed by it. I made a vow when i stepped into jc, that everything's gonna change, that i'm going to change. But, i never knew it'd be so hard. I thought to myself that now, i'm gonna be a different person, that the person who i was years ago, no longer exists. Without realising it though, i'm making jokes that the old me would make, i'm saying things, behaving in ways that the new me shouldn't. Its just so hard. And i ask myself, again and again WHY in the world am i trying to change? Better yet, for whom? Maybe changing, is one way of ensuring that i don't get hurt, that i'd be well liked, that i'd wake up everyday, knowing that everything's in its place. I'm just kidding myself though, aren't i?

old habits die hard? seventeen years count as old, doesn't it?

Why do i have this strong personality, that rubs people the wrong way? Its not like i mean to, i really don't. I know that when i put on this fascade, which happens to rub many poeple the wrong way, that i'm protecting myself, my actual feelings of insecurity, my not knowing how to deal with everything, my inadequacy. But what is so wrong about being inadequate and being insecure? I HAVE every right to feel insecure. Yet i fear that if i let everybody in on this secret, i'd be a disappointment altogether.

i sound like a effing bullet train, rushing all my thoughts into one chunk of words

what i mean is this. When i was a kid, i made myself put on this exterior; one that's happy enthusiastic gungho loud & proud, in hopes..........


oh hell i'm fucked aren't i? back to top?