Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.

Saturday, November 22, 2008 @ 18:11

A rainbow after every storm. The thing is, where is it?

I learnt a lot today. Maybe not at a rate I wanted it too. It all seemed too much too soon. Though the problem is, it was very much required.

I'm just so depressed, sad, tired, disappointed at what happened today.

Choir was.. I'm speechless. It was the most heart pain session, I have ever experienced. Ever. In my whole years of schooling life. From dance captain in primary school, MLDDS vice-presidency till a member of choir, I have NEVER felt this much heart pain from a ~~fucking~~ CCA. Its not about CHOIR choir, more just from an after school activity, I have never felt like crying. Which I did, by the way. The only other time I cried was...not winning anything from GPA & NUS Sajak, and Bronze in tarian's SYF. Okay, I wasn't like crying like a fish on water like I did on results day. ~~THAT was bad. Like really bad.~~ But I swear, i felt close to it.

GRR. Its just so, ~~fuckingfuckettyfuckfink~~ miserable. Miserable cos, I know I haven't been doing my best. Miserable, cos I have NO confidence in my singing. Miserable, cos its my fault. Miserable cos, sometimes its not my fault either. Miserable, cos I feel like I've disappointed my peers. Miserable, cos they have disappointed me. Miserable, cos we have disappointed our conductor. Miserable, cos I have disappointed myself. It truly caused so much heartache):

Today, Tay finally felt that we have done enough horrors with the music we've been given, and finally decided that it was the last straw he could take. And walked out of choir. Walked out leh. ~~FYI, before it started, I saw him and said, "wah, what would happen if he walked out?". Fucking freaky much!?~~ He decided that we weren't focused enough, we weren't disciplined, wasting everyone's time, not doing things right, like we don't give a fuck. But I don't blame him, really. All of us, me included, are not at all up to par. Not doing our best, not giving our all. How not to be pek chek? I swear, he left us in shambles - by that, I mean we were like, "OMG WHAT HAPPENED? HOWHOWHOWHOW?!" And like totally scared and worried. So much so we kind of pulled our socks a bit, doing octets over and over, forcing ourselves to sing out. For my, my problem is that though i KNOW what is the correct note whatever, I'm still scared. Totally unconfident. What happens when another mate in my section listens out to my singing? I'll throw her off. I mean, even that happens to me. The left and the right, the sounds that come out are totally different. Which throws me off. And well, I become scared ah. Cos i don't know who's right, or wrong. These are things I should be able to do and control, but lo, I'm not really, am i? Am i disappointed at myself? yes, by golly, I am. Am I sad that sometimes we spend so much time learning and learning it over and over, time and effort in correcting my mistakes, getting people to teach me what i repeatedly err upon, listening harder, trying harder, giving my best game face, and STILL its not good enough? STILL I get scolded, STILL, WE get scolded. Am i sad? Of course, a plenty. I just want to do better.

I'm the kind, even if I don't like doing something, I'll do what I can do, to the best that I can. I mean from idiotic things like PW and stuff. I take pride in my work, and pat my head when I get it done, well. I do. If you can't already tell. So this totally frustrates the living daylights out of me. The fact that I'm NOT the best that I can be.

I don't want to give up. I don't wanna break.
I don't wanna hate singing.

Though, I think, slowly but surely, the Altos will get there. The Sops, will get there. The Tenor and Basses, will get there too. We will, we must. We are one, aren't we? I don't want us to lose out, when we haven't even gone halfway, all because we didn't give our best when we should've.

We had a talk, the Altos, after choir. Finally, a burden feels lifted, us having been able to voice our opinions, our concerns, our needs. I hope we trust each other more. I hope we're spot-on when it comes to notes, rhythm, whatnots. I hope we excel, and in that way, bring the choir up to even greater heights, cos we are more than able in doing so. (omg. I just realised i haven't said those words since, PSL board. omg.) I hope the choir will be united. I want for us to laugh together, cry together, practice together, and carve out the FONDEST memories ever. It's the best times of our lives, isn't it? I want us to really reach the best, to be able to sing with pride, passion, and simply love what we are doing, together. It isn't easy, for sure. There will be hard times, like today, but we really gotta stand up, and take everything in our stride, and work to achieve the greatest things we can. A prize/placing from Prague would mean NOTHING, if we hate each other/won't work together/simply dispassionate about what we do. Wouldn't bringing home nothing but the greatest of memories and well, the knowledge that we sung our hearts and soul and did the best and well truly loved doing it, be a whole lot sweeter??

(okay i think i'm babbling now.)

I really loved sajchorale at one time. Like loved. Like when we sing i get goosebumps. I won't lie, nowadays, I ask myself why am i here at all. I wanna just let the love ignite again, let my passion for this bunch of 19crazy people that sing songs of all sorts grow again. This time, I'm not gonna lose it. The fire, that is.

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” - Thomas Jefferson.

“The men who succeed are the efficient few. They are the few who have the ambition and will power to develop themselves.”- Robert Burton

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” - Mark Twain

“It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.” - William Somerset Maugham

<3 these crazy bunch of psycho misfits
(:
love!