Okay, i know the timing of my earlier post is, well in the Ante-Meridian, but i fell asleep and woke up when my dad brought home lunch. I woke up from a bad dream. It was a sad dream, more than anything else.

I dreamed that my eldest brother, had a sort of disease or illness, and there was no way he could be healed. And somehow, he made the decision to (this part is a little fuzzy in my head) basically induce his death; not exactly pull the plug on his life, but to simply, i don't know, logically it would be like, moving away from meds, simply not doing anything anymore to preserve whatever life he has left.

When he was leaving, i got him a book. I wrote a very elaborate sad letter inside, and i was crying so much. And i wrapped the book, and my father wrote something on the wrapping paper. Something along the lines of "i'll love you always". Then on a motorbike, he left. (The exeunt is soooo Adam, i mean, the motorbike and all..)

Gahh, i woke up, like always, with my stomach in my mouth, my heart beating fast, my eyes, searching, where i was, which reality is this. And i went to my brother's room (not the same brother) and my heart started to beat a little slower, just remembering that everything was as it was. I went back to my room and began to cry and cry and cry.. Just the thought of losing a loved one, the thought of how i never showed how grateful i am, the thought of how all the bickering, the fights, the "i hate you"s thrown at each other doesn't matter; because in the end of the day, it truly becomes apparent how much you really love each other.

It really is all just so dumb, isn't it?

I keep on wondering to myself, will anyone appear in my funeral? What would my parents do? Would they tell my friends? Would they know which ones to tell? Would my friends not come at all? Would my friends only know days, weeks, or even years from then? Would there be anyone who would salvage my memory?

Being the person i am, i will. I will be there, whoever's funeral, and i'd do everything to make sure they're remembered.


But also, being the person i am, I'd rather be the one lost, to being the one to have lost. Because i don't think i can take the pain of losing a person dear to me, friend or family.


jj

P.s: Happy Birthday Rasullulah. Or as most people would rather i say, selamat menyambut maulidur rasul back to top?