every time i think of you..



My fingernails are black. I mean black, pitch black. I look at them, and i get lost in the darkness, imagining the world without me. I feel sometimes like i am sitting on the side on a comfortable couch, watching the world pass around me, watching the people, almost as if I'm a part of an audience.



I do wonder, sometimes even wish, of the world without myself. Will my family smile more? Would my brother have done the things he did? Would my parents have taken the retched path? But more selfishly, i ask, would i have to suffer anymore? Would i stop crying everynight? Would life be better? I mean it should be right, cos if you were not brought to life, why would it be bad? You won't need to feel, you won't need to live. I'd just be a soul wandering around, or wouldn't i? Do souls exist, if you don't?



Sometimes, i think about how i ended up here, where i am. How i didn't choose my family, but here i am; sign, sealed, delivered. I don't hate my family, well not exactly. There are many things i hate about my family, but i don't hate my family members, per se. I hate how i know that my brother can get away with everything, i've said it a million times, in my father's eyes, who knows, my brother could even get away with murder. I hate how they can be such hypocrites, "Wear a tudung JJ.... later i see you after i come home from Zouk". I hate it how i'm supposed to either be the best, or follow the best, and be the perfect child. I hate it how i'm not allowed to make my own mistakes, let alone learn from it. I hate how i know my family just wants the best for me, but don't see that the best for me might be letting me go instead of holding me down. But mostly I hate how i hate this all, hate that i can't just smile and accept it, and make everyone around me happy.



I know i sound ungrateful, but God did give me a mind to think right? So why not i just think, and for once not feel guilty for using my mind.


Another thing, that bugs me. Happy. I know i put on an enthusiastic and happy front to everyone; i've gotten so used to it, i believe in my lies to my own emotions. Hah, get that, i'm falling for my own lies. Happy is usually far from what i'm feeling, but its easy, its breezy. Somehow or rather, happy is something that gives me hope, that maybe if i pretend i'm happy long enough, if i kill the pain, maybe i might actually be happy, feel better. I mean, i've learnt to sieve through the badness and place it into a jumbo size box, so that i can just concentrate on the good stuff. Compartmentalising, right? I hate to be sad, i mean i really hate the feeling of being weak, asking for help. I hate it when i am sad and it shows, people go asking me, "what's wrong????!!!!" I absolutely hate the pity from others, yet i yearn it. Ironic isn't it? It has always been that way. When i was in p3, and i fell and grazed my knee badly, i absolutely refused to go to my teacher to do first aid, never ever. My friend actually literally forced me to go, scolding me for being so stubborn. When i did go, i felt weak, needy, and angry at myself for not simply settling this myself, but i was so happy someone had cared enough to make me go. But i never ever change, always willing and eager to help others, never to help myself. Never did i go to the sickbay at my own will, i'd rather suffer a heart burn than go to someone for help in my pain. I mean, why would I be worth their five minutes, why would they care? Analyse me, do i sound crazy? I sound like i have some issues.


Wow. i sound really confused.
If you understood a single word i said, good for you! If you didn't, congratulations. Join the club.
For now, i'm still gonna look happy and fine and dandy, and if you ask me if i'm okay, i'll probably answer the obvious.


As for the matters of the heart, i wish i could have someone to hold me close and tight.

i do. back to top?