I'm running away.. I'm leaving this place..

Why do i feel like i am still the same person i was several years ago? Lost in my own identity, unsure of who i am. This was something that was supposed to be solved in the earlier years of my adolescence, wasn't it? I look around, and i see people who are clear of themselves, who are sure of their future, who are able to make choices, cos they know where its gonna lead them.

I am so scared. Scared of being the same person that i was. Scared that i'm gonna screw up what i've got. Scared that if they meet me, or see some sides of me, that i won't be accepted. I am so cautious with how i behave when i'm around others. I'm afraid that if i do not control myself, i'll slip up and they'll see something that they don't like and later ditch me to the side. I like to believe i am strong, but when i think about it, i reall am not. People who know me long enough, know that i'm a little paranoid about these stuff. Is it because, i'm the youngest in my family? I have no idea why such things affect me so, but it just does. I envy those who are able to overcome this feeling.

Why do i care so much, of what other poeple think of me?

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I never got to make this choice on my own, so i think it affects my perceptions on it. I try so hard, to be strong, to tell myself it doesn't matter, to tell myself its something i should be proud of, but yet again, i falter to my flaws; i envy her, the one who does it with such pride, the one who makes me feel ashamed. Ashamed of every thought that i had. It is a must, but many people don't begin when they have to, but come to it when they want to. I never had that chance, so part of me tells me yes, the other part tells me, but what if..? The ones who got to make this their own personal decision, they usually don't have to think about this sort of things anymore.

As i think these thoughts, i am so ashamed. After all, it is a test of my faith, and yet, i seem to have failed. What's worse is that other people will never understand the beauty of my faith, but see it from what they think it be, not what it really is. And this stand that i am unable to take with two feet in the water, doesn't help the situation be any clearer.


For now, i am vague. that is who i am. back to top?